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By FluffMoth
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I have autism and general anxiety disorder. For a while now, I've dealt with what seems to be age regression. However, I'm not sure if it's age regression or being a little at all.

I don't know if it is, because sources I find online seem to heavily exaggerate what age regression is. They all make it sound like people who regress go back to very strong, baby or toddler-like behavior like bed wetting, spitting, throwing tantrums, and other typical baby stuff.

Meanwhile in CG/L, it seems like most littles regress to very young ages, usually under 12. Not only that, but many seem to have an affinity for soft, gentle, pastel things, such as toys and decor you would find in a nursery. Not to say any of the things above are wrong, nor am I judging people for it, but I just do not relate to the things I see most littles do and enjoy. I'm not into the whole soft nursery feel, because when I regress, I seem to feel like myself when I was around 8 to 14 years old. I was a bit more energetic and tomboyish at that age range, so I find myself attracted to more bright and colorful things, and I get more addicted to video games.

When I get like this, I become more prone to crying and I get really clingy and I desperately want to be cuddled. I'll also want others to prepare my meals and get me simple gifts like coloring books, stuffed animals, small toys, and other things. I become more quiet and I try to stay at home as much as I can in this state. I become very afraid of people that aren't my parents or grandmother, even if the person is a close friend. I'll get very shy and avoid interacting with them. I'll try to stay home in my pajamas and play games on my Nintendo 3DS, or watch movies I loved watching as a child. A movie that makes me get deeper into this state is the 1995 film Babe. I watch it when I'm dealing with intense anxiety and it helps me go into a very blissful and childlike state.

It's somewhat frustrating because when I get sad and anxious, snuggling and playing with my cat helps a lot. But when I feel like I might be regressing, my cat gets nervous and a lot more grumpy and doesn't allow me to touch her. She acts as if I'm a different person when I get like this. I would understand if she had a bad experience with a childish person or a child, but I'm her only owner and she's never been abused by anyone who acts like this. Maybe it's just because she's alarmed by my change in demeanor and she feels like something is wrong? She probably knows I'm anxious, so she gets anxious too.

When I get like this, it becomes VERY difficult to take a joke. I have a sense of humor normally, and I'm okay with people acting jokingly mean to me because I usually know when they're just kidding. But when I'm in this state and someone does that, I get really stressed and I start crying because I always think they mean the things they're saying. I also get very hurt by sarcasm in this state. I'm normally okay with people being sarcastic, but I get extremely confused when I'm in this state. I'll keep getting the person's attention and constantly ask them what they mean, and they'll tell me they were being sarcastic, but then they get very annoyed when I keep bugging them with questions because I don't understand the topic they're being sarcastic about.

In this state, I'm normally quiet, but I often get really excited when I have something to say, and I'll keep interrupting people so I can say what I thought about. I'll keep trying to talk while others are talking and I know it, but I just literally cannot process that what I'm doing is an interruption and that it's rude, and someone will have to tell me that because I just can't process that on my own sometimes.

All of these are things I do whether I'm stressed or not, but it gets more intense and I start resembling and feeling like myself when I was about 8-14 years old more than how I do now at 22. I'll even briefly forget that I'm an adult now. It's not even a moment of wishful thinking and metaphorically feeling younger, I will literally forget that I'm an adult for a short period of time. While I don't feel like how I did at 16, I have accidentally written my age down as 16 in some places even though I'm an adult.

I'll include some background info as to why I'm like this, to help others help me decide if this is really age regression or not.

[Content warning for physical, mental, sexual, and emotional abuse! Don't read if this stuff makes you uncomfortable. It's not extremely graphic, but it's definitely discomforting and made me squirm and cry while recalling this stuff]

When I was 4 years old, I was physically, verbally, and sexually bullied (sexual bullying is not to be confused with sexual abuse) by one of my sister's 10-13 year old "friends." While I brought up that sexual bullying is different, I feel like some sexual harassment was involved, but it's seriously a blue, so I have no idea.

She would pick me up and throw me, grab me by the legs and swing me around or drag me, slam me against walls, lift me by the shirt and drop me, trip me, kick me, punch me, try to drown me when swimming, and so much more. Again, I was only 4 years old when this bullying started and I had no idea how to tell someone.

In addition to the physical bullying, she would insult me a lot. Fortunately, I'm not able to remember all the stuff she called me. One thing that stuck with me though was this time when I was about 5 or 6 years old. The idiot bully thought it would be a good idea to change her clothes out in the open in the kitchen of my own home. I went in to get a snack, and she screamed at the top of her lungs and told me to get out and she called me a pervert. I burst into tears and ran away screaming to my mom because I felt so guilty, scared, and horrible.

This bully made me feel like a sexual deviant for a good chunk of my life. For a while, I was afraid of being around other girls because I felt like I had this primal instinct that would make me treat them in a sexual manner. I never did, but I was very paranoid about instantly becoming sexual with other girls the moment I befriended them. It wasn't a matter of homophobia or being afraid of exploring my sexuality, it was a matter of being terrified that I was a monster out to objectify women and sexually abuse them.

One thing that especially makes me suspect that I received sexual abuse from this person was that when she knew I was very distressed and terrified of her, she would do nice things for me like compliment me, give me some of her old toys she never played with anymore, brush my hair, and get me snacks and other small gifts.

I'm normally nervous about sharing this info and my suspicions because people don't think women can sexually abuse men. But I'm not a man. If they think that, then they definitely won't consider the possibility of a woman sexually abusing another woman, especially if the two were both minors.

The abuse didn't stop with this bully though. My own big sister has abused me as well. Her abuse is only limited to mental and emotional abuse though, not physical or sexual like this bully did to me.

My sister has always been extremely clingy and protective of me. She has never thought I could pursue my own hobbies and interests, fearing that I will turn away from her and hate her. She would talk bad about my hobbies and interests a lot, saying that they were all stupid and implied that I'm stupid as well for liking such things. I missed out on a huge chunk of things I loved as a kid, because she would deny me of enjoying things I liked, such as my favorite childrens shows (I was a child, and childrens shows are for children. Go figure.) and music.

She has been constantly trying to mold me into a carbon copy of her, in interests and in personality. She has always denied my free will and I'm sure the way I missed out on things I loved because of her are a reason why I feel like I might regress in age.

Any time I would make a new friend, spend time with someone else more than her for just one day, or talk to a friend in a conversation more, she would just have these huge emotional breakdowns because she thought I hated her and that I was going to abandon her as a best friend. Even to this day, my sister will actually track me down in any way she can so she can get attention from me, as if I'm her only friend who matters. When I'm trying to just have some time alone, she guilt trips me and pulls the "we used to be best friends" and "you don't like talking to me anymore" cards, and it really makes me question just how caring and compassionate I really am.

My sister was incredibly strict and acted more like a "mom" to me than my actual mom, who is way more easygoing and compassionate. My sister would expect me to be like her to a T, down to things as minuscule as folding a towel, and she would get furious and reprimand me if I didn't. I remember one time I was doing homework (I was homeschooled, and as a reminder, I am autistic) and I was taking about an hour or two longer to finish than my sister. Suddenly, she came up to me and yelled at me and said "Why do you take so long to do homework?!" and then she bared her teeth and clenched her fists and growled in a really intimidating tone and said "It makes me SO MAD when you take this long!"

I was already having a hard time with my homework and I was trying my best, but I was intensely stressed because it was just difficult. Her lashing out was the final straw and I broke down crying and I wasn't able to continue my homework for the day, and I wasn't able to finish it the next day because her outburst just sapped out all my remaining confidence, motivation, and energy to finish my homework for a while.

Every time (both when I was a child and even now) I would try to stand up for myself, my sister would just beat me down with hard words and make me out to be the bully. She pulls out long-forgotten mistakes I did in the past to prove that either I'm as bad as she is, or that she is better than I am. She's extremely relentless in proving that I am in the wrong, I feel like I regress each time she does this and it makes me unable to stay strong and stand up for myself more. I start dissociating and I feel like I have no choice but to let her drag me down, and I feel like I shouldn't fight back or have my own opinion, all because she's shaped me into feeling that she's the authority figure over me and that I should show obedience and submission to her.

I was bullied by several other people, but none of them impacted me as strong as these two. I've been accused of having adult relations with my close male friend when we were both just 5 years old, all because I shared a bed with him during a sleepover because I was scared sleeping alone and he was the only friend I felt comfortable with. I was very young and I didn't see how it could be perceived as wrong or dirty by others. There was no adult relations because we were 5 years old for crying out loud, and there wasn't even as little as touching or snuggling. We just simply slept next to each other in the same bed. A couple of years later, a rumor among my friend group was spread that me and the same male friend had a make out session and had adult relations outside of our church while services were going on.

With all this bullying I had, I can barely remember anything except some of the bad things that happened prior to me being 8 years old, and I never wish to remember because it feels like those were some of the worst years of my life and that all the bullies impacted and shaped up almost my whole childhood.

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Hiya FluffMoth, welcome! I'm so sorry that you had to go through all that, and I can't imagine it myself. I wish I knew what to say to help your situation, but I just wanted to say thanks for sharing your story with us in such detail and it must have taken a lot of courage. :hugs: I hope you feel better~ :stuffie: :splode: :angel:

I would say only you yourself can truly know whether you are a little or not. Maybe others can answer better than I can, but I don't think a little has to have certain superficial interests such as soft pastel colors (although I do like those) in order to be a little. Everyone is different.

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Hi fluffmoth, our stories are somewhat similiar. I recently was diagnosed with ASD. (Although now it seems super obvious.) And I have pretty bad Social Anxiety, to the point where I rarely leave the house. And I was bullied A LOT in school, we moved around a lot, and I was a heavier kid. So the new, silent, socially awkward, fat kid, was a pretty easy target. Plus there were a few at home issues as well. But I'm not trying to get into my whole story right now.

I also know what it's like when these feelings hit you, sometimes they seem like they come out of nowhere, and it makes being around people hard. I like to think I have a decent sense of humour. But I often take people literally and get a little hurt or upset. Then get sort of angry with myself later on for reacting the way I did. And I also feel uncomfortable around my own gender, although probably for other reasons. I'm a male and Men make me feel really uncomfortable and nervous. Although I'm not even entirely sure why.

I also used to have to remind myself that I was an adult a lot, like I used to forget all the time. I'm 30 now, and have sort of given up on being an adult a bit haha. But that's me, don't feel obligated to go that route.

Also my cat behaves differently around me when I'm feeling more regressed too, he can be a bit more cranky, but I always feel like he's watching out for me. Like he sits between me and the door, like he's guarding me. :sleep: And will even try to bite at my ankles to "herd" me towards my room, if it's late.

As for your question, only you can determine if you belong here or not, although you sound like you more than qualify to me. I'm one of the ones who like baby stuff. ::p: :paci: But there are plenty of littles who feel a little older. And then their are middles too, who regress to their teenage years, so there is absolutely nothing wrong with preferring an older age. So if you're looking for a safe place to be yourself, and "being yourself" involves acting younger than your bio age. Then I feel like you'll fit in just fine haha. :nodyes:

Also you're super brave for posting all that. I only got the courage to share some of my stuff after reading your post. So thanks, haha. And I really hope it helped, even a little. And I'm wishing you all the best with whatever you decide. :hi: :yes:

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littleTyler wrote: And I also feel uncomfortable around my own gender, although probably for other reasons. I'm a male and Men make me feel really uncomfortable and nervous. Although I'm not even entirely sure why.
I'm a male and I have the problem you have too. Especially with big, masculine men with deep voices. My roommate at college lifts weights and has a weally deep voice and especially in littlespace I get terrrrrified of him even though he never ever hurt me. It's weird. For me I think it's because I lived with only my biological mommy since I was 8. Almost all my closer friends are female. It's weird. Sometimes I feel like a little pwincess~! :splode: :splode: :stuffie:

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@littleTyler, Thank you for the advice! It's nice to know someone is understanding where I'm coming from.

I may just take a look around here for a bit before deciding to jump in because I'm not quite sure yet how I feel about being a little. It's just a new thing to me that I'll wanna learn about first until I feel comfortable and decide it's for me. :nodyes:

I had a positive age regression experience this week though! Usually it happens when I'm affected by negative emotions, but not this time. I started a new anti-depressant, I'm 21 now and I've never felt so happy and calm since I was 14. I started acting more peppy and cheerful like I was at 14 and I was finding more enjoyment in the things I loved at that age. So I just kinda started pretending I was 14 again. :gigs:

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