[Evelusive]

Hi,

I'm really new to this, like really new.

I have always been childish/childlike, I enjoy behaving like a brat, I have difficulty making decisions and functioning day to day without forgetting something important (like eating breakfast, brushing my teeth cleaning up etc).

I have a child (girl 5y/o) and my (now ex) wife says that I'm more like a brother than a dad (half joking but I'm not so sure).

I also am Autistic (Aspergers type) and it it is hard for me to "sense the tone" sometimes and I quite often find people confusing.

I realise now that for the last 14 years I have been in a Cgl relationship that wasn't labelled as such, she would take care of our money (paying bills, budgeting etc), she would remind me to clean up my room, have a shower, do the dishes, eat something, explain the world to me (mostly the people / social part) , calm me when I had a meltdown and generally just be the adult/responsible one in our relationship.

I have always needed someone around to fill this role, and in the (distant now) past I have made some poor choices in this regard.

When I was in my early 20's I had a strong desire to be a 14 y/o girl, I loved all those 80's movies ("16 candles", "heathers" and "pump up the volume" being favourites) with the weird girl who didn't fit in and would picture myself as her so vividly that it would break my heart when I realised it would never be. I don't feel like I am transgender, I like my body and feel mostly good about being who I am and where I am in my life, but.......I don't know.

When it comes to sex, I am pretty vanilla, I like a little S/m, but nothing too dramatic, being little doesn't feel "sexy" to me it just feels..... well, Me.

I work as a Chef and have done so for the last 20 years, and now I would like to transition into being an Artist full time, I am quite good at painting and have focussed a lot on doing photorealism (painting) but this development/realisation about being Little has made me want to incorporate that aspect. I have a plan that I will work and save money for the next 5 years (sharhousing etc) and then I will take a year off and just paint to see if I can support myself (and my family).

I am getting a divorce from my partner of 14 years, but am still on friendly terms (more of a "conscious uncoupling" or re-definition of the relationship than a divorce) as she is the person in the world who knows me best. I haven't told her about the Little thing yet, as I am worried that maybe I am just seeking some kind of sub-culture personality transfer (I have done this in the past).

I need to feel loved, people to tell me that everything is ok, that I am not a complete failure as a human being. I need constant reassurance that I am doing the right thing and that I haven't made any mistakes, I need people to like me even when I'm being a brat.

I need gentleness, and attention even when I am unwilling to give it to others (being so focussed on my own interests/obsessions).

I am not seeking a partner or a caretaker, I don't even know what I want.

I don't know why I'm posting this.. Perhaps to connect, perhaps in catharsis, perhaps just for attention.

All I know is that I watched a youtube video the other day about being a little (and being Little non-sensually) and it made me feel like crying.......