[Barnstormer1126]

I've been on that one fet community website for a few years now, and just joined here recently. And what I've noticed, even here, in the few days I've been on the site:

There is an extreme lack of female caretaker types of any age or orientation.

Why? Why is this? Why is it apparently only 'acceptable' to be a little if you're female, or at most, a super tiny and cute/passable TG/TS, and to be a caregiver if you're a male and a 'Daddy'?

Why do *I* have to get screwed out of finding a partner and love just because of my orientation and identity?

Despite putting in my profiles and personals ads that I'm looking for a female, the only responders I get are Dd's who I guess think that just because I'm a little I automatically want their lollipop, despite saying clearly I'd like a female partner? It seems like this site might be better in that regard than say, that one fet community website, which is turning into just a bunch of horndogs looking for easy sex but...come the *firetruck* on. Where the hell does this notion that a female HAS to be a sub and a male HAS to be a dom come from, especially in this year of 2016 with feminism and such being on the rise?

I don't really know what I'm expecting for responses here, mostly what people tell me when I bring this up is just 'it is what it is, deal'; maybe I'm just venting in one of the only places where it's acceptable to raise a topic like this, I don't know, but...I'm just so goshdarn *bitter* that just by dint of who I am I get the shortest stick in the bunch when it comes to finding love.

[Dirtsrats]

I think you worry too much.

Also, perhaps you're putting too much emphasis on finding a partner rather than having casual, friendly discussions to build up a few basic friendships. Try to use the site for something other than dating/relationships. I mean, yes, post your ad up but then forget about it, for the most part. Start focusing on building your identity here in the community so somebody can KNOW WHO YOU ARE versus what relationship you want.

I'm not picking on you either. Just keep reading and you'll see my perspective.

Female Caregivers, typically referred to as Mommy Dommes, do exist. We are here. I know a pretty decent amount of them that are active within the scene. We are more quiet. We may not be outwardly looking because we're more behind the scenes, perhaps, and when we settle into a relationship dynamic we tend to be more strictly committed. Maybe we're less driven by physically intimate tension and more driven by emotional desires so we're just more choosy. Although, all of this is making me sound sexist--men are not all horndogs and women are not all from angelic dust.

In my experience from interacting with other Caregivers, Mommies rarely are looking for quick-fixes. I mean, yes, a few of those do exist but it seems much less common than Daddy Doms looking for a scene or two or diving into a full blow "committed" relationship just hours after bumping into a little.

I read personal ads for weeks upon weeks before I even decided to pursue anyone. Actually, I suppose I was a member here for close to a year (under an old username) before anybody sparked my interest. (The people I ended up choosing to pursue were very active in the chat room here.)
Then, even after that initial MDlb relationship failed, it took another few weeks for me to decide to actually post my own thread.

After I posted my personals ad I was pretty specific on what I was looking for in a partner. I wasn't going to settle for someone just because they replied to my ad and said they'd do anything for me. I wanted someone who was actually compatible with me aside from them wanting to be a little boy and me wanting to be a Mommy Caregiver.

I went through their posts. All of their posts. I would join in the chat room and kind of observe if they were around, how often they were around, and how friendly they were toward other people. I wanted someone who wasn't...desperate. I wanted someone who knew who they were and what they wanted but weren't so hyper focused on finding a partner that they literally settled for everyone coming their way (because I've seen that so often, unfortunately).

It has also been my experience that women in long-term, committed relationships seem more willing to become their partner's Mommy Domme too. They ease into it better. Something I watched recently had an interview with a Mommy Caregiver who said she felt like a Husband and Wife relationship kind of teetered into the wife being a Mommy to the husband at times any way. So, she easily slid into that role when he pursued it with her. I feel strongly that vanilla relationships can become special dynamics after they've reached a comfortable level of trust and care. (I have even had that happen in my own life--where I became a boyfriend's Mommy Domme after being an extremely vanilla couple for awhile.)

Relax and smile. It'll happen when it's right to happen.

[fawnprince]

Perhaps it's because either not as many females are dominant, or not as many females realize it's okay if they are because currently society is still relatively stuck on gender roles (which are icky >:( ).

But I know the feeling!!! I keep getting straight DD's who again, seem to think any little wants them. That, or they're convinced I'm REALLY "still a girl"// "a confused girl" and that they can somehow...fix my trans-ness, I guess. But I have also noticed a lack in mommy dommes/little boys compared to the amount of daddy doms and their little girls. I don't know why really, my comments above are just guesses as to why there's not as many! Hope I helped, even just a little. :3

[Barnstormer1126]

Dirtsrats wrote:
> I think you worry too much.
>
> Also, perhaps you're putting too much emphasis on finding a partner rather than having
> casual, friendly discussions to build up a few basic friendships. Try to use the
> site for something other than dating/relationships. I mean, yes, post your ad up
> but then forget about it, for the most part. Start focusing on building your identity
> here in the community so somebody can KNOW WHO YOU ARE versus what relationship
> you want.
>
> I'm not picking on you either. Just keep reading and you'll see my perspective.
>
> Female Caregivers, typically referred to as Mommy Dommes, do exist. We are here.
> I know a pretty decent amount of them that are active within the scene. We are more
> quiet. We may not be outwardly looking because we're more behind the scenes, perhaps,
> and when we settle into a relationship dynamic we tend to be more strictly committed.
> Maybe we're less driven by physically intimate tension and more driven by emotional desires so
> we're just more choosy. Although, all of this is making me sound sexist--men are
> not all horndogs and women are not all from angelic dust.
>
> In my experience from interacting with other Caregivers, Mommies rarely are looking
> for quick-fixes. I mean, yes, a few of those do exist but it seems much less common
> than Daddy Doms looking for a scene or two or diving into a full blow "committed"
> relationship just hours after bumping into a little.
>
> I read personal ads for weeks upon weeks before I even decided to pursue anyone.
> Actually, I suppose I was a member here for close to a year (under an old username)
> before anybody sparked my interest. (The people I ended up choosing to pursue were
> very active in the chat room here.)
> Then, even after that initial MDlb relationship failed, it took another few weeks
> for me to decide to actually post my own thread.
>
> After I posted my personals ad I was pretty specific on what I was looking for in
> a partner. I wasn't going to settle for someone just because they replied to my
> ad and said they'd do anything for me. I wanted someone who was actually compatible
> with me aside from them wanting to be a little boy and me wanting to be a Mommy
> Caregiver.
>
> I went through their posts. All of their posts. I would join in the chat room and
> kind of observe if they were around, how often they were around, and how friendly
> they were toward other people. I wanted someone who wasn't...desperate. I wanted
> someone who knew who they were and what they wanted but weren't so hyper focused
> on finding a partner that they literally settled for everyone coming their way (because
> I've seen that so often, unfortunately).
>
> It has also been my experience that women in long-term, committed relationships seem
> more willing to become their partner's Mommy Domme too. They ease into it better.
> Something I watched recently had an interview with a Mommy Caregiver who said she
> felt like a Husband and Wife relationship kind of teetered into the wife being a
> Mommy to the husband at times any way. So, she easily slid into that role when he
> pursued it with her. I feel strongly that vanilla relationships can become special
> dynamics after they've reached a comfortable level of trust and care. (I have even
> had that happen in my own life--where I became a boyfriend's Mommy Domme after being
> an extremely vanilla couple for awhile.)
>
> Relax and smile. It'll happen when it's right to happen.
Well the thing is, I know who I am, to the point where people I've known have made a point to tell me flat out just how self aware and introspective I am. Beyond that, I deal with mental health issues, and I've found a lot of people, as understanding as they claim to be, just don't wanna deal with that. As far as building my identity, the ID I'd present wouldn't match what I'd present to a partner, since I came to the TG realization so late and was raised very hetnorm. In other words, I'm comfy with who *I* am, but I''m *not* comfy showing it to 99.9% of the world because of all the ignorance and BS.

I'm also well aware of the whole 'not driven by physically intimate tension' factor, but that's just it-sure I have one of the highest sex drives I know about, but I'd rather have emotional connection than meaningless sex. I don't HAVE sex unless there's that deep connection. Another impediment is the fact that I'm kind of going through a really rough time with absolutely no support group; so when I meet someone new, and they ask how I am, I answer honestly (but briefly); because people in general are so shallow and unwilling to be understanding and look past the surface, they then don't want to talk to me when I try and talk about positive things, like mutual interests, because they've written me off as 'too negative' and 'too unwilling to try to be better', when in reality there's a lot of things standing in the way (like lack of services) to that. Someone went so far as to try to use the Nike slogan on me for advice: 'Just move if there's no services!' Yeah ok, I'll get right on that -_-

As far as vanilla relationships turning into MdLb 'ships...that has not been my experience at all. All I've had in the last decade are 5 or so vanilla ships, and every one of them has been so averse to anything even REMOTELY non vanilla that it'd be moot to even bring up a Mommy dynamic (this was before I came to the TG and little realizations anyway, I'd bring up something as simple as very very light restraints and they'd darn near run screaming from the room). I also kinda realized this week that all of my exes have only solely been interested in their own satisfaction, whether in the bedroom or not, and didn't really love me at all; all they were interested in was the fact of HAVING a boyfriend and playing into a 1950's sort of dynamic where I do everything, and it's just expected, meaning they were really just very spoiled brats (and not in the twisty way) and I just never realized it till well after the fact.

And this isn't a personal attack against you or anything, but the whole 'it'll happen when it happens' line is something I've heard far too often from those in 'privileged' positions to be able to not want to take the statement and drop a nuke on it XD

It still just doesn't really make sense to me why Mommies don't 'go on the hunt' more when they're actively looking for someone. I mean of course, don't go for just anyone, but...idk I guess maybe what I'm trying to say is, personals ads threads are around for a reason, and aren't just limited to daddies and little girls who are looking? It's frustrating and makes it harder for both parties to find something if one side is kind of 'passively' looking, or something. Idk, I'm tired, so I'm probably not as eloquent as I'd otherwise be.

fawnprince wrote:
> Perhaps it's because either not as many females are dominant, or not as many females
> realize it's okay if they are because currently society is still relatively stuck
> on gender roles (which are icky >:( ).
>
> But I know the feeling!!! I keep getting straight DD's who again, seem to think any
> little wants them. That, or they're convinced I'm REALLY "still a girl"// "a confused
> girl" and that they can somehow...fix my trans-ness, I guess. But I have also noticed
> a lack in mommy dommes/little boys compared to the amount of daddy doms and their
> little girls. I don't know why really, my comments above are just guesses as to
> why there's not as many! Hope I helped, even just a little. :3
I haven't gotten the 'you're just confused!' line myself, but yeah, there are an INCREDIBLE number of Doms, daddies or not, who see the TG label on my page and just assume I'm looking for sex, or will take anyone who walks by just to have someone. But I also kinda get the sense gender stereotypes are a factor in why there's so much fewer Mommies, and female dominants in general, which I find absolutely ridiculous in this time period and with all the feminism going around. Seems kinda hypocritical to me, in the sense that everyone's shouting 'I should be able to do and be what/who I want, screw being a 'traditional woman'!.......But I'm still gonna be the submissive to a man because I'm a woman and that's what I *should* be, as a woman.' Like....wut? And like Starstrid said, that's not saying EVERY woman's like that, it's just the overwhelming sense I get given what I've observed.

[Dirtsrats]

...going to be bluntly honest...

All I heard from your reply was that I'm privileged and clueless because I identify as a "norm" since I, myself, don't have gender identity struggles or struggle with dating. (Honestly, who doesn't struggle with dating? Even vanilla people have loads amounts of dating websites for this exact reason...
It's HARD to find a perfect match!)

(Speaking of that...did you know that a lot of vanilla-dating sites make up female-based profiles because there are typically more men seeking women than women seeking men? I don't know why, of course. I can't speak on the behalf of an entire gender, but I think it may be related to females being more inclined to need long-term attachment and prior knowledge of a partner before diving into something serious, and, for many, the entire goal of dating is become serious at some point.)

I answered honestly and truthfully.
I'm sorry it didn't suit your wishes, but I gave the truthful answer.
I am sorry that you feel my answer wasn't suitable because I didn't indicate that I struggle with anything like mental illness, gender identity, or partnership.

I, as a Mommy Domme, haven't chosen to be very open in my search because I feel like I don't want everything to be about dating. Sometimes I want someone I can be friends with first. Sometimes I want things to develop into that kind of passion. I want somebody that isn't just "a little" but someone who is incredibly special to ME because of a variety of primarily-personality-based reasons versus role/identification reasons.

Caring about someone--truly, deeply caring for them--can be something of an intense relationship. It's a valuable, special gem to me. I'm not just digging in dirt to find that any gem. I don't want a gem that just takes and takes. I don't want a gem that I can't talk to on an equal level because they're always roleplaying. I don't want a gem who is just looking for instant gratification because they are desperate for attention.

I'm also well aware of the whole 'not driven by physically intimate tension' factor, but that's just it-sure I have one of the highest sex drives I know about, but I'd rather have emotional connection than meaningless sex. I don't HAVE sex unless there's that deep connection.

I don't know why you're telling me this as if we are arguing..? I didn't say YOU are driven by physically intimate tension. I'm sorry if I conveyed the wrong message, but I promise I didn't say that at all. I was trying to say that a lot of these flighty, instant-gratification relationships involving neglectful male Daddy Doms seem to be about that.

Another impediment is the fact that I'm kind of going through a really rough time with absolutely no support group; so when I meet someone new, and they ask how I am, I answer honestly (but briefly); because people in general are so shallow and unwilling to be understanding and look past the surface, they then don't want to talk to me when I try and talk about positive things, like mutual interests, because they've written me off as 'too negative' and 'too unwilling to try to be better', when in reality there's a lot of things standing in the way (like lack of services) to that. Someone went so far as to try to use the Nike slogan on me for advice: 'Just move if there's no services!' Yeah ok, I'll get right on that -_-

...what? So, you can't be "just friends" with people and evolve into a relationship because you're a complicated person? Again, I'm extremely confused how any of this is intertwined with the question as to why more female Caregivers aren't actively appearing to be seeking a partner. Was this thread intended to just complain about it? Perhaps I was just mistaken in answering, and I'm truly sorry if I've wasted your time with my silly thoughts.

As far as vanilla relationships turning into MdLb 'ships...that has not been my experience at all.

Okay. I answered honestly though and from MY personal experiences. I'm not sure why your experiences are more valid than mine. Why are you arguing with me about what can and cannot occur? You aren't any more or less special of a person than I am. It's coming off as that way and I'm honestly not sure why...

And this isn't a personal attack against you or anything, but the whole 'it'll happen when it happens' line is something I've heard far too often from those in 'privileged' positions to be able to not want to take the statement and drop a nuke on it XD

And this isn't a personal attack against you or anything, but the whole, "Everyone is more privileged than I! Woe is me!" line is something I've heard far too often from people who are--let me choose my words wisely here--spoiled.

I mean, who are you to say that I should be more active in my desire to partnership anyway? I mean, isn't that a tad spoiled of you to assume I should be doing just that strictly because YOU are lonely and want to partner with someone identifying as a female Caregiver? Why aren't you actively showing me who you are and what's in your mind so that I can make the first move and say, "Hey, I saw you around the chat room, and took the time to read your personals ad up, and I'm really interested in getting to know you a little better on a more personal level. What do you think about chatting more privately with me?" Because THAT is something I would say. I'd never, ever message someone based on their profile ad to say something like, "Hey, I want to be your Mommy!" because I feel like that is so surface-based and I don't REALLY KNOW that person yet to be that level of intimate with them.

A lot of this could be how you present yourself too, you know. Have you tried different tactics? Have you really thought about some of your wording?

I'm really sorry you're going through some pretty unhappy struggles in life. We all do though so please know that you are absolutely not alone. I understand this topic may be a sore spot but it is a sore spot for so many people. So many people ask things like, "Why aren't women messaging me on these dating sites?!" You aren't the only one and I think re-evaluating how you're searching could be incredibly important--especially in this dynamic.

I just gave you my personal perspective and my actions based on personal reasoning. There is nothing to argue about or tell me I am wrong about doing. I am doing what I am doing because that's what I want to do. You are doing what you are doing because that is what you want to do. If you and I don't align because we are on two different paths then that is okay with me, you know? And by "you" I mean anyone. The right person is on my path and we'll bump into each other as we go along in our ways.

I mean, I thought you were asking for personal answers from very specific people, not for a general group to gang up and say they agree with you...

...I think I've just misunderstood the purpose of this conversation at this point though...

[Barnstormer1126]

...going to be bluntly honest...

Ohmigosh, no, I'm sorry if that's how I came across, that wasn't my intention at ALL D:

But yes, I'm aware that 95% of dating sites put up fake profiles, I've gotten plenty of 'bait' messages in the brief time I was on those particular sites.

Anyway, no, I wasn't trying to argue, I was just responding to each point in turn, and I'm not trying to say my experiences are more valid than yours, just that they're different.

Also, I just signed up for this site this week, I'm still figuring my way around; for instance I can't seem to click through to anyone else's profile, nor can I access the chatroom, and I can't figure out why, so that's why you haven't seen me in the chat or anything lol, I'm still working out how this site works and all. But my point wasn't about you specifically, it was more a general 'I don't get why more female dominants of any type don't go actively looking, regardless of what they're looking for.' And I'd never expect anyone to cold message me saying off the bat 'Want to be my little?' etc...well, no, I'd expect that of a lot of the less than stellar male dominants, but that's besides the point XD No, I'd expect and appreciate someone, let's use that one fet community website as an example since I'm more familiar with that site, seeing a post I made, following through to my profile, and saying 'Hey, you seem interesting, let's get to know one another.', but even that seems to be kind of a rarity for women to do, in my experience, and I can't figure why. And that's not me trying to say 'just go after anyone', I agree with you, hold out for those you see as true 'gems', as you put it...it's just the ratios of those who are proactive against those who aren't, that confuses me, I guess.

I actually do often think about how I come across. Having little to no self confidence, it's actually a constant thing for me. But no one's ever called me out on presenting myself in a manner they didn't like, either, so I don't really have much to go off of aside from my own...introspection, I think is the term I'm looking for? But as far as trying different tactics for finding what I want, idk what other tactics I can use. The local scenes are either too far for me to get to, or barred from me because there's an ex I particularly dislike who's involved in all the events, few as they are, that I'd like to be. And I don't get out much in general because of social anxiety and such, so I'm kind of limited to the internet; yes I'm looking for friends, but I'm also specifically looking for a partner, so I guess the way I see it is, why wouldn't I use the personals threads for that? Again, I only have that one fet community website to really go off of, but the few people who've PM'd me after seeing a post I made haven't really been interested in keeping a conversation going, regardless of subject and commonalities. If they don't engage back when I'm trying to form a connection, how is a friendship supposed to form, you know? 'It takes two to tango...' and so far I've been the only one willing to dance, it seems, whether the person I'm trying to talk to is male, female, gay, straight, purple, polka dotted, whatever. I'm not unwilling to change tactics, I just don't know what to change them *to*, you know?

So yeah, sorry for misunderstandings, I really wasn't trying to argue. If anything, 'debate' would be more applicable XD But even then, I only intended to respond to each point you made based on my own experiences; I feel like this is another case of tone, etc. getting lost through a text format >_<

Again, apologies :/

[Beastie]

Mama domme here as well. We do exist. For me, personally, it took me longer to come to terms with my dominance than almost every other aspect of myself/my sexuality, because, I think, of the societal gender roles that I've been conditioned by since I was old enough to understand. It's not encouraged for women to be dominant in their relationships and even when you're first introduced the the cg/l world the first and foremost thing you're exposed to is daddy doms and little girls. It took me a long time to realize, also, because of past damaging experiences, that it's okay to have maternal feelings towards your SO. However, it took me having a partner that wanted that sort of dynamic for me to open up to it and embrace it. I think men sometimes glamorize the dd/lg relationship and seek it out and comparatively women seem to be in relationships already when they start to take on the md role. Just from what I've seen- no hard numbers to back me up.