What do you think about "dependency"

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Rosetta
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What do you think about "dependency"

Postby Rosetta » 10 months ago

I read a post a while ago on Fetlife which was about how people are NOT supposed to be dependent and how that's a wrnog thing to have in your relationship.
Now, in my personal life, i've heard this a lot too and had several friends/partners telling me how they didn't want to have this kind of commitment with me. I don't know if it's me inducing something in these previous partners that made them not want to have a true commitment with me or something, but it really made me grind through the topic over and over again.
I know how I truly feel. It is a strong feeling, when I love someone. It is as if our emotions flow together, the longer and stronger the love gets. And it affects my entire life. So yes, after a while, of really being with someone, one could say I get really emotionally dependent I suppose.
And apparently this is something "wrong". It is a "wrong" thing that I somehow don't seem to grasp, no matter how many people have attempted to explain me how being "free" is the way to go, how you don't need anyone, how you shouldn't be putting yourself with someone and abandon your "self". Well, to me it is natural. You know those sad pictures of animals sitting next to a grave of their owner, or sometimes wild animals sitting next to their "partner-for-life" that just got ran over?
The stories about a salamander being stuck and nailed accidentally in the wall with its paw while its partner went and got them food for over 3 years before the wall got torn down and they were discovered?
That's how I am with love. It can make me shiny, sparkle and flow in colorful sun rays exploding all over the universe when it is there, healthy and strong, and if can make me shrink to a small miserable cold shriveled piece of nothingness when it is even the slightest bit insecure or doubtful.
And then I'm supposed to accept that any sort of commitment or dependency (they are highly related impov) is UNHEALTHY? No. It's not. Insecurity, fear, etc. That's unhealthy. Because love, honest, flowing love, that is only natural.

We are animals, and animals care for one another. Animals have life partners. And that means they share their LIFE which means they are dependent on one another. So that they get to survive together. And yet there are some people who want to rather go through it alone. They want to be single, yet with the benefits of being together with someone. They want regular relations without strings attached. They want just fun and no drama. And at first, I asked myself the question: "Can I handle that? Can I be that person that just provides fun, gets fun, and then goes her separate way?" Yes, of course I can. I'm a perfectly capable, grown-up independent woman.
But what do I WANT? And that is something, I guess comes at a later stage. Do I WANT to get just fun and all this stuff in order to feel like I want to share more yet I have to hold back? Do I want to pretend I am perfectly awesome ALL BY MYSELF just so that others can admire my "strength" and independence and wonder if that is the right way to "be with someone"?
No. I don't want it anymore. It is not being with someone. Being being with someone means being there when they are at their low point and they desperately need you, you give them your all without minding. It means that when they don't want to have fun, you swallow yourself down and hug them in empathy because you are part of them. It means, that when you are at your absolute lowest, you don't hide all by yourself but you stay with them and share your darkest, scariest self with them.
And these things, yes, they make dependent. Because they are real, vital things we need as human beings. Just like we depend on food, and water, and medicine when we are sick.

So. When I came to read this text on fetlife, and so I initially wrote something in a reply.
here it is:
"Just wanted to say something about dependence. I hear a lot about it recently and I am truly saddened by today's society and how everyone tries to avoid any commitment with their relationships.
Why is dependence so wrong? I understand in the bigger scale of things if maybe two people are just play partners with their own single life, for sure it isn't desirable when the sub can't get out of bed without permission and the Dom forgets about giving it and she will mess up with her job.
But in a relationship? I would say it IS desirable to have dependence. Because it means that there is a strong emotional connection that affects the other half in the relationship. It means you can trust the other person enough to let go of some/all of your responsibilities and share them with your partner. And this is something that happens in vanilla couples as well as in other dynamics. It's called sharing a life together. Of course you will end up depending on each other. Depending that you both make enough money to pay off the house, depending that your partner does groceries or picks up the kids. Or depending that your slave pleases you when you had a hard day even if she maybe doesn't feel like it in that moment. Because of trust and deep connection. And you depend on the mere fact that your partner is there, sharing their whole life with you.
And that's what's missing nowadays: people saying it is OK to make this leap. And that you won't fall and crush to the ground, and that being mutually dependent on each other is a beautiful thing and if you carry it with pride your relationship will be stronger. Yes, you might be less free but this isn't a reason to run screaming to the hills.
I really find it sad that nowadays there are so many people promoting an independent life and giving in to the fear of commitment. It's a trend, and unfortunately it seems that this generation picks up on this trend which means a society of "takers" (whether you "give" a lot or not, you are still "taking" if you aren't actually giving commitment) living all strong independent lives with some fun here and there with their strong, independent partners.

There is so much more than everyone trying to be strong and independent all the time. We are all human, and being human means giving in to dependency and making something beautiful out of it.
I hope you can see that the message of "please don't create dependency because it sucks and you'll actually have responsibility towards your partner" is not a very positive one in a society that already steers clear from partnership nowadays. Now this trend is okay, but i think a whole generation of people will wake up in their 40's and 50's being single and feeling so alone, regretting that they never learned to leap and build a life up together with someone and depending on each other. "

I've felt a little insecure about it, because, as is well-clear now, it is all about how we are supposed to be strong and on our own and mind our own business and stuff. Admitting that we want such a deep and true connection with someone is difficult, especially when nowadays we are being put down for wanting that. I feel treated as if I'm still "needing to learn" stuff before I will be able to "get" relationships and have them function. As if I'm supposed to stop feeling so intensely about someone before they'll ever want to be with me. As if my true, honest love will scare them away and I think that is just a pity.
S

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Rosetta
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Re: What do you think about "dependency"

Postby Rosetta » 10 months ago

-S

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purplebunny
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Re: What do you think about "dependency"

Postby purplebunny » 10 months ago

I agree with you! I don't exactly see how it's considered 'wrong'. I've always felt that in a relationship it's to be with someone you feel you can depend on! Or will be able to in the future. I feel like just being able to know that in case of anything your S/O can reassuringly be there for you is a comforting thought. I think if you're fine being entirely independent from each other it might be reflecting something else.. Not to say you can't be independent, but I believe there should be some dependence on each other and it impacts your effect on another.


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