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Red flags related to avoiding fake or bad Caregivers

Warning signs of fake or bad Caregivers
Please understand that there are different levels, perceptions, and connections associated with CGL. Many persons within the CGL community also are connected to other communities (such as the general BeDeeSeM community) and may make inaccurate assumptions that all others are also associated with all of their community connections as well. This isn't necessarily that the person is being a bad Daddy, Mommy, or non-gender-specific Caregiver but simply a misunderstanding and lack of education on their part. This means that you must do your due diligence to find a compatible Caregiver for yourself and accept that many of them will not be your special someone.

Here are some important points you need to know:

  • CGL is not part of the BeDeeSeM community but many adults within the CGL community are also members of the BeDeeSeM community. It's a common mistake to get these mixed up as being the same thing.
    • They may be under the belief that these two sects are tied strongly together and believe that all CGL connections but inheritedly be BeDeeSeM related. If the person you're talking with insists that it is BeDeeSeM and you disagree then this may indicate that you're just not compatible (and that's really okay to realize so you don't waste your time forcing something to work that just isn't going to be fulfilling for you).
  • If the person is also within the BeDeeSeM community then you will need to know their interests in that area and how it may manifest in the CGL portion of their identity.
    • Some people within the BeDeeSeM community are heavily interested in things such as punishments so it's important to know if your interests match up with theirs.
  • CGL can be misunderstood as being kink and adult interest, and that misunderstanding is valid for that person (it is very possible the person has an in-cest fantasy and they want to try to build a relationship off of their k-ink) but not accurate to common Caregiver/little desires and expectations.
    • It's okay to not feel sexually motivated by CGL interactions, but you need to let other people you're considering having a relationship with know about how you feel. If the other person is sexually motivated by the connection then it's possible they only feel the community is connected to bedroom play or physically intimate kink and this may be a good sign that you are not compatible. It's okay to not be compatible, but you need to accept that when you realize it and not push yourself to your own limits in hopes of making things work anyway.
  • You are not required to refer to a new person as your special someone or call them pet names (such as Daddy, Mommy, Auntie, etc.) until you explicitly consent to want to do so yourself, but the person may reasonably ask you to do so when indicating you also want to take the connection to a more solid relationship level.
    • A Caregiver is not necessarily your Caregiver. A child would not walk up to a random stranger and start calling them Mommy or Daddy and you aren't expected to either. It's okay refer to a person you're still getting to know by their name, username, or in general terms until a special bond is established. You are not being bad by saving special names for special connections.
  • Do not assume that commitments are monogamous. Many CGL people strive to build family-style relationship units, which is neither right nor wrong.
    • It's okay to be monogamous. It's okay to be polyamorous. It isn't okay to assume that all people you interact with are the exact same way, with the same goals in relationship structure. Being polyamorous doesn't mean a person doesn't respect or value you, and being monogamous doesn't mean a person is a prude or feels superior. You should discuss these preferences and expectations before agreeing to a commitment so that nobody is surprised. If the person doesn't want what you want then this may be a large incompatibility.
  • You are not expected to supply financial assistance (money, gift cards, etc.) or gifts even if you agree to a relationship.
    • Paid services are never actual relationships and you should realize that if someone is demanding money or presents from you then they are not emotionally invested in you. This would be a massive sign that this person is not compatible with you and has misunderstood the community as being a part of a paid services community such as that of sugars.
  • It is not expected that you teach someone how to be themselves and the identity they are claiming within the CGL community.
    • If your prospective partner wants you to teach them how to be a Caregiver then this may indicate that they are not ready to have a relationship commitment at this time. Being a Caregiver is a personality trait just as being a little is a personality trait. It cannot be taught or learned.
      • Talk with the person further to gain an understanding of where they are with their identity within the CGL community and why they feel making a commitment to another person now is the right time for them. See our basic questions to ask to have some ideas of questions to ask when trying to determine compatibility.
  • physically intimate interactions is not a requirement to identifying within the CGL community, but may be something generally expected in a relationship unless discussed otherwise.
    • It's okay to ask that physically intimate interaction wait or be something that you do not engage in together. Being pressured for sex in any relationship is always a sign of incompatibility. A person who focuses on only or primarily physically intimate situations may not actually be interested in you as an individual person.
      • Remember that you need to talk about your expectations when it comes to physically intimate involvement together. Do not expect your partner to be able to read your mind or that they should make assumptions just because you think they should magically just know. See our basic questions to ask about how you may ask about these things.
  • No should always generally mean no, and it should always be respected as such, but there can be confusion and misunderstanding if you like to be bratty.
    • Make sure to communicate to the person you're getting to know if you like to be feisty, combative, bratty, pressured, or forced into regression or doing the will of your partner. It's okay if you don't like it, and it's okay if you do like it, but the person you're interacting with cannot be expected to just magically know without you telling them.
  • You do not need to send someone photos of yourself, whether clothed or not, but you need to consider these requests and not assume they are entirely malicious.
    • Someone who wants to build a deep bond with another person may very well want to see what the other person looks like so that they envision them in their life. This doesn't mean it's okay for them to make demands of personal, private photos or even many tame photos, but it would be reasonable that they will want to see at least your face at some point. If you are engaging stimulatingly online then it may be a natural curiosity of them to ask for bare photos, but, again, you aren't obligated, required, or even expected to share these things online. We would suggest you let your partner know if this is a personal boundary so that they don't accidentally offend you by asking while in the heat of the moment together.
  • There are some generally disrespectful common behaviors the community has allowed, and it's okay to point them out and correct a prospective partner so that they can do and be better. It may all just be a misunderstanding, and you can still get to know them as an individual.
    • Some behaviors, such as asking a person if they're wearing an adult diaper immediately upon interacting or making assumptions of BeDeeSeM connections, has been even encouraged within the community for many years. While it may feel offensive, you should offer the person gentle gentle correction and point out that you are an individual with thoughts, feelings, and a whole personality outside of the offensive assumption made. The community cannot grow into being more well-rounded unless we let each other know what is disrespectful, and it's very likely that the person simply was never told that the behavior is in poor taste.
  • If you have not established a relationship then you are not expected to act like you're in a relationship.
    • If you haven't agreed to a commitment of some sort then you do not need to treat the person you're talking with as if you are together. This means that you do not need to perform as your CGL identity to prove yourself worthy or to make the other person happy. The other person's pace not be at your same rate and it's okay to ask them to slow down and to get to know you more deeply before making assumptions that you will interact romantically with them.
  • Just because you're a little and they're a Caregiver does not mean you are compatible, and the prospective partner should already realize this and be keeping it in mind too.
    • A well developed, fulfilling relationship takes time and effort to establish. You should not expect to have developed a special bond after a short period of time, and that developed bond is extremely important to a having a solid CGL relationship being taken seriously. Do not force yourself to be with someone who you do not know or trust yet. If the person doesn't understand the need for patience and time to allow feelings to develop and trust to grow then they may be fooling themselves about their own feelings or falling into the feelings of desperation and objectifying you (only being able to see the one single label you have and not you as an individual person). If the relationship begins before you know each other then it will be much, much harder to make it realistically work long-term.
  • Just because someone is single, depressed, or lonely doesn't mean you're obligated to become their somebody or entertain them through roleplay.
    • Don't let someone guilt you into developing a relationship with them. It's okay to take a step back and let them know that building a solid connection takes time and that you would prefer to get to know them well before giving them access to your heart. It's also okay if you excuse yourself from the conversation if you feel thee person is trying to guilt or manipulate you into "saving" or "rescuing" them--that is not a part of a healthy relationship and allowing that to be acceptable behavior only does more damage to their other interactions.
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