- 7 years ago
#27911
I would like to discuss with all of you various mental disorders. One of the things that i have wanted to talk about for a long time is the relationship dynamics involved with mental and psychological disorders. So for the first topic, I am choosing Borderline Personality Disorder. A lot of people, perhaps most, don't know how to live a happy life in a long term committed relationship with someone with BPD. I have been doing it for 8 years now. I love my wife and my little dearly. I am not sure what the prevalence is, but from what i can tell, people with BPD seem to gravitate toward the DD/lg. I have met quite a few more people with BPD in DD/lg communities than I have anywhere else. And it kinda makes sense when you consider that the most common description of BPD is low emotional maturity.
that is not to say that all littles have BPD, but rather that those with BPD would naturally be attracted to a dynamic that feels more natural to them in an emotional sense. here are some of the warning signs of BPD:
Fear of abandonment: it doesn't just go away with time alone. you might think that since you have been with this person for several year, they wont be afraid of being abandoned by you, but that's not how their mind works. the next time they lash out, get into an argument, or you forget to text them like you normally do, they start panicking. they start feeling fear, often associated with having been painfully abandoned at a young age by someone that was supposed to protect them. this fear can cause them to break up with you rather than feel the pain of being abandoned again. they do this because they are fearing an impending abandonment, and its mentally easier to tell themselves that they left the other person rather than the thought that they were so worthless they were abandoned again. the SCARIEST thing you can do to anyone with BPD is abandon them.
Extreme emotional displays: now, everyone has extreme emotional displays at some time or another. those are the moments when you seem lost in the emotion and just are absolutely bursting to get it out. but for a BPDer, its strong. REALL strong. when their emotions change, like everyone's do, they express them powerfully. why is this? usually, its because the emotion kinda takes over reality for them. its almost impossible for them to focus on ANYTHING else when they have this incredibly powerful feeling distracting every attempt at coherent thought. they express the emotions because thats about the only way they know how to go back to being normal. the most comfortable place for them to be is content. neutral. peaceful. calm. they cannot interact with everyday life and stay in that calm space, emotionally. in DDlg terms, they get exhausted by "Adulting" all day. even when they are in love, its still exhausting.
Inappropriate anger: This one goes right along with the extreme emotional displays, but i figured i would give it its own category because it needs to be explained beyond just its intensity. people with BPD have a tendency to "fly off the chain" a lot. as in, they get suddenly quite angry at things that seem random and innocuous. this is because they are insecure. they are always on the look out for the next thing that will hurt them, so they see the things that will hurt them everywhere. an example of this is when i asked my wife one day if she would like to sleep in rather than drive me to work, as was her habit when she was not working. she looked REALLY tired. she was instantly furious. later on, she explained that she thought i was trying to tell her that i was tired of spending so much time with her. the thought that i didnt want to spend time with her triggered her fear of abandonment, and before she knew it, BAM there she was, right back to the feeling of being abandoned.
Unstable relationships: this one is actually a byproduct a combination of a lot of things. for one, the fear of abandonment causes them to freak out when they think they may be abandoned. that fear causes them to lash out often. the magnitude of their emotions makes it nearly impossible for them to think logically, so they often do things that they later regret. after a pattern of this, where they blow up and do something that leads to the relationship to end, they start to believe that they really are bad people. and that is probably the worst part... they often believe that they really are not worthy of love. after all, who would love them if they really knew them? if people really knew them, they would be appalled. at least, that's the thought anyway. its part of the thought process that leads most BPDers to suffer depression. and it makes it very difficult for them to form stable long term relationships because the closer someone gets to them, the more likely they are to see the "real" them. so, just getting really close to them scares the crap out of them and causes them to experience that fear of abandonment, which causes them to lash out in fear, which causes them to hate themselves, which causes them to fear abandonment... its a vicious cycle!
impulsive behaviors: so, BPDers often feel anxious. like something is about to go wrong, they are about to get hurt, but they just cant seem to put their finger on it. so anything that can distract them from that anxiety is a life savor. the problem is, it is often something that is not good for them. impulse buying at a store(retail therapy), frequent binge drinking, unsafe sex, etc. many of these lead to addictive behaviors, like alcoholism. lying is another common impulsive behavior, and its often just the little white lies. like how much they spent during a day, claim they had accomplished a task asked of them even though they hadn't, say that they are doing better than they really are so as to not disappoint someone, etc. unfortunately, these impulsive behaviors add to their generalized anxiety. which causes the pull of the impulsive behaviors to be that much greater, which causes them to feel bad about their behavior, which causes them more anxiety... etc again, another vicious cycle.
all this stuff is the reason that many BPDers have a very hard time defining themselves. how do they set goals or define themselves when their emotions are constantly yanking them around in a million different directions at once?
this is kind of important stuff to know if you are someone who suffers from BPD, but it is absolutely essential for any care giver to understand it if their little suffers it! if you are a care giver for a BPD little, it is absolutely essential that you understand the nature of their disorder. if you do not, your relationship is most likely going to end in one or both of you getting hurt. in many BPD and Psych support groups, the BPDers partner is often refereed to as the "excessive care giver". they are called that for a reason; BPDers seek out someone who can be the outside influence to help them become a better person. someone who can stop them from the downward spiral they always seem to be in. someone who can influence them for the better because they dont know how to influence themselves. they are literally seeking out someone who can love them for no other reason than because they have chosen to so that they themselves can learn to love themselves. because truth is, most of them dont love themselves much until they learn healthy coping mechanisms.
as a care giver to a BPDer, you must have your feet planted solidly on the ground. if you want your partner to really grow and blossom into a happy and joyful person, then you will have to do a few things for them: hold their feet to the fire, speak the truth and nothing but the truth, and love them for no other reason than because you choose to. why? because if you love them for "who" they are, then what happens when they get overwhelmed and do something that they will hate themselves for? what happens when they do something that changes your perception of who they are? dont love them for who you are, love them for who YOU are. if you base your actions entirely on who you choose to be, then you will have the strength and fortitude to stick by their side when everyone else abandoned them. you will have to forgive them their faults until they really understand that you aren't leaving them.
trust me, its worth it. there is nothing quite like watching a person blossom into joy and peace.
anyway, i could write all day about how i have dealt with specific scenarios, but i figured it would be better if we got some kind of a discussion going. for those of you who love a BPDer, and for those of you who suffer it, what are your thoughts and questions?
that is not to say that all littles have BPD, but rather that those with BPD would naturally be attracted to a dynamic that feels more natural to them in an emotional sense. here are some of the warning signs of BPD:
Fear of abandonment: it doesn't just go away with time alone. you might think that since you have been with this person for several year, they wont be afraid of being abandoned by you, but that's not how their mind works. the next time they lash out, get into an argument, or you forget to text them like you normally do, they start panicking. they start feeling fear, often associated with having been painfully abandoned at a young age by someone that was supposed to protect them. this fear can cause them to break up with you rather than feel the pain of being abandoned again. they do this because they are fearing an impending abandonment, and its mentally easier to tell themselves that they left the other person rather than the thought that they were so worthless they were abandoned again. the SCARIEST thing you can do to anyone with BPD is abandon them.
Extreme emotional displays: now, everyone has extreme emotional displays at some time or another. those are the moments when you seem lost in the emotion and just are absolutely bursting to get it out. but for a BPDer, its strong. REALL strong. when their emotions change, like everyone's do, they express them powerfully. why is this? usually, its because the emotion kinda takes over reality for them. its almost impossible for them to focus on ANYTHING else when they have this incredibly powerful feeling distracting every attempt at coherent thought. they express the emotions because thats about the only way they know how to go back to being normal. the most comfortable place for them to be is content. neutral. peaceful. calm. they cannot interact with everyday life and stay in that calm space, emotionally. in DDlg terms, they get exhausted by "Adulting" all day. even when they are in love, its still exhausting.
Inappropriate anger: This one goes right along with the extreme emotional displays, but i figured i would give it its own category because it needs to be explained beyond just its intensity. people with BPD have a tendency to "fly off the chain" a lot. as in, they get suddenly quite angry at things that seem random and innocuous. this is because they are insecure. they are always on the look out for the next thing that will hurt them, so they see the things that will hurt them everywhere. an example of this is when i asked my wife one day if she would like to sleep in rather than drive me to work, as was her habit when she was not working. she looked REALLY tired. she was instantly furious. later on, she explained that she thought i was trying to tell her that i was tired of spending so much time with her. the thought that i didnt want to spend time with her triggered her fear of abandonment, and before she knew it, BAM there she was, right back to the feeling of being abandoned.
Unstable relationships: this one is actually a byproduct a combination of a lot of things. for one, the fear of abandonment causes them to freak out when they think they may be abandoned. that fear causes them to lash out often. the magnitude of their emotions makes it nearly impossible for them to think logically, so they often do things that they later regret. after a pattern of this, where they blow up and do something that leads to the relationship to end, they start to believe that they really are bad people. and that is probably the worst part... they often believe that they really are not worthy of love. after all, who would love them if they really knew them? if people really knew them, they would be appalled. at least, that's the thought anyway. its part of the thought process that leads most BPDers to suffer depression. and it makes it very difficult for them to form stable long term relationships because the closer someone gets to them, the more likely they are to see the "real" them. so, just getting really close to them scares the crap out of them and causes them to experience that fear of abandonment, which causes them to lash out in fear, which causes them to hate themselves, which causes them to fear abandonment... its a vicious cycle!
impulsive behaviors: so, BPDers often feel anxious. like something is about to go wrong, they are about to get hurt, but they just cant seem to put their finger on it. so anything that can distract them from that anxiety is a life savor. the problem is, it is often something that is not good for them. impulse buying at a store(retail therapy), frequent binge drinking, unsafe sex, etc. many of these lead to addictive behaviors, like alcoholism. lying is another common impulsive behavior, and its often just the little white lies. like how much they spent during a day, claim they had accomplished a task asked of them even though they hadn't, say that they are doing better than they really are so as to not disappoint someone, etc. unfortunately, these impulsive behaviors add to their generalized anxiety. which causes the pull of the impulsive behaviors to be that much greater, which causes them to feel bad about their behavior, which causes them more anxiety... etc again, another vicious cycle.
all this stuff is the reason that many BPDers have a very hard time defining themselves. how do they set goals or define themselves when their emotions are constantly yanking them around in a million different directions at once?
this is kind of important stuff to know if you are someone who suffers from BPD, but it is absolutely essential for any care giver to understand it if their little suffers it! if you are a care giver for a BPD little, it is absolutely essential that you understand the nature of their disorder. if you do not, your relationship is most likely going to end in one or both of you getting hurt. in many BPD and Psych support groups, the BPDers partner is often refereed to as the "excessive care giver". they are called that for a reason; BPDers seek out someone who can be the outside influence to help them become a better person. someone who can stop them from the downward spiral they always seem to be in. someone who can influence them for the better because they dont know how to influence themselves. they are literally seeking out someone who can love them for no other reason than because they have chosen to so that they themselves can learn to love themselves. because truth is, most of them dont love themselves much until they learn healthy coping mechanisms.
as a care giver to a BPDer, you must have your feet planted solidly on the ground. if you want your partner to really grow and blossom into a happy and joyful person, then you will have to do a few things for them: hold their feet to the fire, speak the truth and nothing but the truth, and love them for no other reason than because you choose to. why? because if you love them for "who" they are, then what happens when they get overwhelmed and do something that they will hate themselves for? what happens when they do something that changes your perception of who they are? dont love them for who you are, love them for who YOU are. if you base your actions entirely on who you choose to be, then you will have the strength and fortitude to stick by their side when everyone else abandoned them. you will have to forgive them their faults until they really understand that you aren't leaving them.
trust me, its worth it. there is nothing quite like watching a person blossom into joy and peace.
anyway, i could write all day about how i have dealt with specific scenarios, but i figured it would be better if we got some kind of a discussion going. for those of you who love a BPDer, and for those of you who suffer it, what are your thoughts and questions?
"All things exist when you begin to exist alongside them." -Jken1461
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