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By minka
#47330
Hello guys,

I guess I just want to vent and I don't have the feeling that I can go to my friends to talk to them, as I don't feel as if they would understand me. Mabye it's not the best idea to write this online on the internet, but really... I've got no clue. And at the moment I just feel horrible and angry and desperate.
I feel as if my life seems worthless and I don't see any sense in the things I do. I constantly think how I hate living at home and how I don't have the finanical freedom to move out. I work in a firm and still go to college and nothing I do seems enough or statisfies me.
And I have the feeling that my mother is emotionally abusing me. Also, even when she cries I don't feel pity anymore because she always acts as if the whole world seems against her. She is very religous, says in my posters lives the devil and that fantasy stuff - like Harry Potter or other movies - come from the devil. And I am an artist who wants to work in a artistic field. If she knew that I think I am into being a little I think she would call a priest to use an exorcism on me.
When it's about cleaning the room I am not really the best, but my mom expects perfectionism so that it looks like in the IKEA magazine.
I can't seem to get up and work on my projects for school as if all my energy and courage to do them has been sucked out of my body. But I don't feel depressed in the way that I am crying all the time. I am not. It's just... I feel empty.
I don't know...
I just wish I could get up and work and earn money so that I can finally move out of the hell I am living in, I even thought about finding a sugar daddy, but I know I would never do that. (A reason is that I am still a virgin.)
I feel ugly and fat as if I am not enough. Not enough for myself, for my family, even friends.
I.... I just want to curl up and cuddle with someone that takes care of me... I guess I just want to feel loved, and I haven't felt this way in a long time...
Great, now I really am crying.
#47334
I saw your cry for help and knew that I wouldn't be a good person if I didn't show you the humanity that I ached for when I was in the same shoes. I know things are hard and more often than not, the feelings you are feeling tend to keep you trapped in a loop of self doubt and even self deprecating emotions. I just want you to know then even if you feel isolated from your friends and family, you are not alone in your struggle. I was where you are now. I was unsure of myself, and waking up every day was a task that seemed to be impossible. I felt unworthy of love and affection and it tore me down immensely as a person. I know that dealing with these feelings is overwhelming, and ultimately I'd like to tell you how sorry I am that you're dealing with this. It's not easy to survive and really live when your core sense of happiness is replaced by grief and numbness. No matter what you think about yourself, I want you to know that you are a human being and you are worth the affection and kindness people bestow onto you. You are worth the effort. You are so precious in this world and it hurts me to see that you're in such a low place that you haven't even realized it yet. I think you are worth your own efforts to seek happiness. Pursue your dreams, reach your goals, and don't you for even one minute doubt your ambitions. You are too bright a soul to keep yourself down. Exercises to take your first step on the path of self-rehabilitation can include meditation, mindful thinking, and any act of self love. Start lifting yourself up, you deserve and need it. Start journaling more. You can write your thoughts and feelings on here. Make it a point to release the worries and stress from your mind onto paper (or computer screen). Eat healthier. If you are unhappy with yourself, then do something about it. Don't wallow in self loathing- improve yourself for the better. I wish you luck in your journey. It's an uphill battle but when you overcome it, you will feel happier than you've ever been.

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