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I keep wanting to live out some fantastical world where my partner IS my actual child (at times). I'm being stupid and freaking out that my partner is "choosing" objects over me. How can I stop looking for everything to be "most realistic" and just enjoy the regression for what it is, when it is, how it is?

Long version -
I've been Mommy to my AB for a couple years. Recently I've been going through some weird feelings that I've felt ridiculous about, but I'm coming to realize some of the roots of where this is all stemming from. I don't know how to change my line of thinking.

I've always been into the notion of realism when being a Mommy. I've wanted an adult baby I can literally breastfeed (produce milk for), who is fully dependent (both ways) on diapers, and who wants nothing more than to just be with me. When I met my partner (I'll call them Baby in this post) we talked about these things and we agreed that this was something we wanted to seek out together.

Life has surprises for us all though. Some things got messy (and not in the Baby-needs-a-diaper-change way!) and we've had to alter how we can enjoy being Mommy / being baby. We can't be out and 24/7 like we wanted in short. We're still working through some of that but recently I've hit this wall.

It all started when we visited my family for the holidays and Baby insisted on bringing a stuffed animal friend to sleep with at night even though we'd still be sharing a bed. At home this doesn't bother me at all that we "cosleep" (share the same bed) and also share the bed with the stuffed friend. But when on the trip it felt weirdly like I was being rejected from being a comfort source. I tried to let that go for the most part but it stayed in the back of my head for me to try to figure out my feelings about and self-resolve. "Why does Baby need the stuffed animal? Am I not comforting enough?"

During this time I was also thinking about bottle feeding Baby and why I've not been interested to do this in person. The image in my head looks beautiful! But in reality I don't feel interested at all. When it comes to "feeding Baby a bottle" it's kind of like..."Well, why not be breastfeeding though?" but that's also along with that "breast is best" saying popping into my head. So my disinterest in bottlefeeding was also conflicting but a secondary concern to the stuffed animal weirdness.

Baby and I were coming back home and we talked about pacifiers. Baby wanted some new ones. Cool right? I was never against pacifiers, and some times (like during playtime) it's really cute to see Baby with a pacifier! Except their anticipation grew and grew for the pacifiers and they were brought up at times where I was just about to nurse (breastfeed) them (like at bedtime as we settle in for sleep). I felt myself becoming sad by the talk of them, and when the order came and Baby was very excited about them all I wanted to do was throw them out and go off crying. It was weird and personally conflicting.
So, Baby asked repeatedly a few times for the pacifiers to be cleaned/sanitized for use. And then I realized my issue was that I felt like I was being "replaced" by this piece of plastic/latex.
Weird. "Why does Baby need the pacifiers when I'm around, am I not soothing enough?"
I had no issue with it before though. I started thinking even about (this is so stupid. I'm sorry...) if my breasts were not good enough or my nipple shape just is really bad for trying to give Baby comfort? I don't know it just got really weird in my head!

And again if I THINK about it, I have no issues with Baby using a pacifier when I'm not around or available in a spot where nursing can happen. But the idea that Baby wants the pacifier "more than me" is floating around my head.

I did my best to evaluate why I was becoming upset by the pacifiers and I've come to this...

Parents give their children stuffed animals at night to help comfort them to sleep. The idea is that then the child isn't coming to the parents' bed for comfort.
Co-sleeping is often not desirable just on a personal level too for parents because it can somewhat restrict the parents' capability to do parenty things (wink wink). But I like cosleeping more than anything, more than Baby having their own room or crib or something away from me. I like being Baby's #1 comfort and security because to me that's what a good mother is and does for their baby.

Parents give their babies pacifiers to somewhat trick them into thinking they are being nursed (breastfed). Not all of breastfeeding for infants is seeking milk. Breastfed-only babies often use their mothers as short-term pacifiers, and a part of each nursing session is where the baby only gently suckles as to not draw milk but just have the comfort of their mother. But I don't mind to become a pacifier at times and I think that's really sweet because it feels a little self sacrificing and good mothers self sacrifice for their baby.

Parents personally get to choose if they want to breastfeed or bottle feed their infants (and for how long). Breastfeeding mothers knows that switching to a bottle is problematic because often the baby will choose the bottle over the breast. The bottle doesn't need to be nursed as long before the milk is released so the baby gets fuller faster (and tends to overeat so can stay fuller longer in many cases). Again I know for sure I like breastfeeding and again that "breast is best" would mean that good mothers do everything to give their baby the best care.

Parents basically choose when to start potty-training and get rid of the diapers. A good mother is patient and kind and changing diapers isn't a nuisance to her.

And I want to be a "good mother"!

A "good mother" is deeply loved by her baby because she is truly needed by and valuable (irreplaceable even) to her baby.

I'm NOT Baby's actual parent though.
Baby is an adult.
And Baby has interest in bottles, pacifiers, and sleeping with a stuffed animal when traveling.
And that makes sense to me.
But then why am I feeling so sad, rejected, unwanted, undesirable, unneeded?

Recently Baby and I had a conversation where I kind of came to the realization that diapers signify a lot to me. Baby being diapered IS a very visual cue to me that Baby is always a baby, no matter what task is being worked on at the time. "Only babies wear diapers. Baby has on a diaper right now so of course Baby is a baby!"

I think I'm tying a lot to objects too. Like the pacifiers, bottles, and stuffed animal are giving me, "You're not needed," vibes even though that doesn't even logically make sense since Baby IS an adult and IS conscious of loving me. But inside my head it's telling me that Baby doesn't need me for nighttime security, for nourishment, for comfort. That Baby doesn't need me. Babies don't love people they don't perceive as needing since they haven't formed emotional conception yet. So I feel unloved by Baby...because of plastic?!? So stupid

I've stupidly went off hysterically crying the past couple of nights when Baby has put in a pacifier instead of "choosing" my breast. I feel like I'm insane. I know my period is due any day so maybe it's just hormonal but I feel like I need to resolve this so I can let Baby enjoy these items without being a crazy woman and demanding they go away. I mean really am I seriously getting jealous over pieces of plastic?!?

I think that I'm hung up on the notion of "realism" in being Mommy/AB. I think that I want to make these "parental choices" as if Baby was just literally born to me. I know that can't actually happen though, and it's unhealthy to keep falling into this mentality.

Qs -
How can I get over it and just let Baby enjoy these objects that signify regression in the community? How can I stop feeling like I'm "not good enough as a Mommy" when Baby wants the pacifier, bottle, or stuffed animal "instead of" me? How can I stop wanting to actually be a "real mother"? Maybe how can I see this Mommy/adult baby stuff as all rp and fantasy vs reality?
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