[Miss]

Are most littles very selfish? Is being selfish a common little trait? Are Caregiver/little relationships likely to end due to selfish behavior? Is it normal for a Caregiver to literally be used and left many, many times by littles?

I've had a few littles over the past few years, and at the end of each relationship I find that we end due to their extreme selfishness. Here is just a few (granted, not all) in my past that seem to prove this idea:

1. My very first little was wonderful as we explored the MDLB dynamic together. It was all very passionate up until he chose to be passionate with other people and, oops, forgot to tell me. It was a messy break-up where I was blamed for causing him to supposedly crave sex so much (I was his first) that he was basically forced by his urges to cheat.
2. A long-distance little I matched well with seemed to connect with me on a lot of important personality aspects...at first. As time went on I realized that he just wanted to talk about sex. Every conversation wound up with him manipulating topics to lead to discussing getting physically intimate gratification, and when I brought up that I eventually felt emotionally and mentally neglected due to all of the physically intimate-stimulation-need on his end, and that there were so many more things I wanted to do with him, he proceeded to tell me what a worthless Caregiver I was for not wanting to interact sexually every time we communicated. He perceived my main duty as a Caregiver was to take care of his very, very high sex drive even when that was what was pushing me away and making me feel unhappy. He said sex made him feel loved and that I was failing to make him feel loved regardless of what made me feel loved.
3. I dated a little for awhile and eventually shared the same apartment with him. Everything was fine and he constantly remarked that he needed me the most in his life. While I don't hold it against him, when his health declined he chose to move to the other side of the U.S. to be closer to his family members. I do fault him for never having any conversation with me about it, and having surprised me with packed bags when I came from work one evening. He flew out that week and I never heard from him again despite the voicemail I left checking in with him. Ghosted, in a way.
4. One "monogamous" little accidentally forgot to tell me about her Daddy Dom. I bumped into him online when he was really concerned since she had ghosted him for a few days and he was messaging everyone online. I was really surprised because she gave full indications that her and I were "meant to be" together and I was preparing to fly to her in the upcoming month.
   When she "came back" from her "mental breakdown" that had supposedly hospitalized her for a couple of days she told me that the man was emotionally abusive and neglectful. She begged me to remain her Mommy Domme. Then about a week later she ghosted me for good. I look back and see she just wanted the extra attention from me.
5. I connected with a little who was motivated and up to be Mommy's little helper at all times. He told me all of the right things, and went in depth about his needs as being a completely submissive male in all aspects of his life. Funny enough, I caught him being a strict, physically intimate "Daddy Dom" to multiple underage middle-school girls through social media accounts. You know, he just accidentally forgot to tell me that underage girls didn't count if he dominated them online behind my back. I cannot even fathom the lack of morality the man had.
6. I moved to a new area and found a local AB/little purely by odd chance. We chatted through text and on the phone quite a bit, building up the suspense of meeting. We met and had a wonderful time. I treated him as a little, made him lunch, changed his diaper a couple of times, and snuggled him up on the couch to watch some cartoons. He seemed to be in bliss. Afterward, all he texted about was asking me to change his diaper again. We'd meet and cycle back through the exact same things. After 5 meetings like this, and his lack of conversation in between those interactions, I felt like we needed to do more to bring us closer. One day I suggested him and I go out and do something out-and-about vanilla-style together, like grab pizza or see a movie in the theatre. COMPLETELY GHOSTED!
7. I had a little who portrayed himself as innocent and obedient. We talked often and at length. I felt like I really had a firm grasp of who this person was in the world. We both seemed happy and he was just generally everything I was looking for at that time. He was the sweetest little angel who wanted nothing more than to just talk and hang out with his Mommy. Except for when he forgot to tell me he was going on vacation for two weeks, and then accidentally forgot to ever talk to me again. Forever ghosted! For the life of me I still cannot even think of a bad moment we shared much less a reason to abandon me.
8. Major health complications messed up a recent relationship...or so I thought. When I wasn't around as often as I preferred (I got to have a conversation with him once every 2-3 days on average for a few weeks at the height of my health issue) the little reassured me that he was happy and well with the situation as long as I was still his Mommy and continued to work on improving my health. He seemed so supportive and hopeful. When I broke things off with him out of pure guilt (but hopeful that it was only temporary, which I clearly told him) he outright slandered me in a chat room and claimed that he was unhappy throughout the entire relationship because I was never around and just an overall bad Caregiver. Somehow he forgot about my overwhelming health issue at that time and the words he said to me to reassure me about our relationship up until the literal moment I broke it off with him. He not once came to me with a complaint. After I saw what he said about me it was obvious he was attention-seeking and playing for sympathy at that point. He ghosted when I confronted him about my hurt feelings and let him know how disappointed I was about the entire thing.

Now, I've dated for years. I've dated at long-distance. I've dated locally. I've had long term relationships and very short relationships. I've had both monogamous and polyamorous partners. I've dated males and females.

I've never been ghosted like this in vanilla relationships though. I've never been absolutely discarded like I have when I've been romantically involved with a little. I've literally never had someone tell me how much they loved me and then two hours after breaking up tell an entire chat room full of people that they were already over me and that it wasn't a big deal at all. In vanilla relationships my partners had almost always portrayed themselves very accurately and honestly. In my CGL relationships my partners have never been honest about themselves and their intentions (not even the ones I didn't bother mentioning because those were generally so brief). I'm not sure what it all means, but I know I'm lugging around a lot of baggage now.

Are Caregivers the "givers" and littles the "takers" and that's it now? Have we devolved to that mentality?

I haven't had a vanilla relationship in a long time but I'm beginning to wonder if it's just easier for most Caregivers if they connect with someone who is vanilla first and slowly introduce them to the dynamic once the relationship is firmly established.

Do you feel like this is common behavior for most littles? Am I right to expect to be ghosted and betrayed?

With each failed Caregiver/little relationship attempt, I've made previous littles really work to gain my trust and heart more than the one that came before them. Now I feel like I'm asking them to jump through hoops to prove to me that they are genuine.

Do real, true, and long-term Caregiver/little relationships actually exist or is this all of us just messing around with each other for a few weeks before moving on to somebody new and, eventually, settling into something vanilla and perceived as real? Is Caregiver/little something that is really only temporary or only truly successful when two people have been together for a long time (or in a marriage arrangement)?

[PrincessArielM]

First of all, it sounds like you're really frustrated and after reading all of this, I totally understand why you would be. I'm so, so sorry you've had such a rough time finding the right one.

How old are these littles? What venues are you finding them? How fast are these relationships developing? Sounds like you're having issues finding mentally and emotionally mature partners, which is unfortunate and seems to be a common theme in the modern DDlg community.

To answer your questions, no. Not all littles are selfish. Just like not all CGs are pervy people who just want to get their rocks off by having someone call them "Mommy" or "Daddy". I'm very much concerned about my CGs needs...almost to a fault. At the end of the day, I'm an adult and so are they. I treat my relationship as an adult would, who just happens to identify as a little.

And no, it's not right to expect to be ghosted and betrayed. No one deserves that, no matter the role.

Is it possible to get to know the little as "boyfriend/girlfriend" before moving to the MD/lb/lg role? I'm not sure if this is or isn't happening, but maybe that might be a way to leaf out those who aren't as serious as you are about it?

I can tell you, I'm currently talking to DDs and I've had a rough time with it. They, after only a few days, want to be my daddy. I had to politely remind a few that they didn't know me and had only seen the a sliver of who I really am (and vice versus). Why on earth would I engage in such an intimate relationship with almost strangers? The same applies for anyone that I've only known for a month (which apparently is an eternity these days lol). It seems, in this community, that instant gratification is the name of the game a lot of times, and that's a shame. Not saying that's what you're doing, but maybe that's what you keep bumping into.

It's easier said than done (ask me how I know), but try not to get too jaded. I think with these type of relationships it's even harder to date, but it can be done. I know of happily paired littles and CGs who've been together for years...and some are married. I meet up with them regularly at my local munch. It can happen. Hang in there, Miss.

((hugs))

[Miss]

Is it possible to get to know the little as "boyfriend/girlfriend" before moving to the MD/lb/lg role? I'm not sure if this is or isn't happening, but maybe that might be a way to leaf out those who aren't as serious as you are about it?

That's exactly what I meant when I said:

With each failed Caregiver/little relationship attempt, I've made previous littles really work to gain my trust and heart more than the one that came before them. Now I feel like I'm asking them to jump through hoops to prove to me that they are genuine.

I have lengthy conversations. I take my time. If it's long-distance I don't even give my phone number out right away so we don't get swept up into hearing the other person's voice and being enamored by verbal words as easily. At this point I've been asking recent prospective littles to literally wait for months before moving forward because I've built up so much fear baggage of abandonment and betrayal. My old personals ad even warned to not refer to me as Mommy or I'd likely not even respond back. I know all of the no-nos about rushing and I've done my best to put them in place.

It's so much push-back from me that I know some that have recently ghosted from that were just finding it tiresome to be told we were still in the getting-to-know-each-other phase even after weeks. Everyone wants some fast-paced thing and I know that just ends up in a mess.

I'm 30 and I've been in Caregiver/little relationships since I was 18/19. It just feels like they all end the same, and they all fizzle out in 6 months or less. Nothing is ever long-term and I'm always left feeling abandoned when my relationships incorporate these aspects. I'm looking back and seeing that my vanilla-based relationships often lasted much, much longer on average and never ended by being ghosted.

I know it sounds like I'm just complaining here but that isn't why I wrote all of this either. I'm honesty saying...is Caregiver/little real or is it just temporary? Honestly, is this all about littles getting what they want and using, neglecting, and then abandoning Caregivers like we're just the wrapping from a candybar? Have I misjudged where I belong?
I guess I'm really starting to believe that we're all in "new" relationships and that nobody has a long-term, 5+ year thing going on with their Caregiver or little unless they introduced CGL to the relationship after it was well established.

[PrincessArielM]

I understand where you're coming from. Yes it's real. No, it's not all about littles using and abusing. And only you can determine where you belong.

Like I said, I know long term CG/l couples and see them (in person!) every month. They exist.


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[teddyNdummy]

It sounds like you've had some really bad experiences. Unfortunately, people can be selfish. However, I do say "people" rather than "littles". I hope you can bare with me - I know what I want to say but am struggling to put it into words right now.

People are inherently selfish. It's hard wired into us - it's part of self-preservation. There is talk in psychology whether altruism is natural and built in to us or if actually altruistic traits are actually inherently selfish (i.e. being kind to somebody actually puts away a favour for a rainy day). It's a bleak thought, that there is the possibility that kindness may actually just be a front for self preservation and selfishness, that every time somebody is kind it is only because they want something in return. But.... that's theoretical psychology. I personally think that we all have good and bad in us and that genuine kindness is possible. And also think that there are many people out there that are genuine asshats. That's a genuine psychology term, by the way.

In my time on this earth, I have come across many people. Probably more than 7 people in total. I like to think there is a spectrum of asshattedness. Some people are lovely, whom I treasure as 'friends'. Then there are people who seem nice but inevitably let you down. Then there are people who are just awful from the start, through and through. Out of all the people I have known, I have known people from all through the spectrum. I have a few people who I have come to feel are lovely. I have met many people who are just.... well. The less said the better.

If none of the above makes any sense, it doesn't matter because I'm going to just ignore all the above and say what I think. I think you've come across some asshats, people who have let you down/lied to you. I feel for you, it must have been awful to go through so many setbacks. Do I think all littles are selfish and all cgs are givers? No. I think many "people" are selfish, and littles happen to be people - which means many littles are selfish. But no, not all. And do I think all the caregivers are givers? No. I have met selfish littles, and I have met selfish caregivers. I have also met some wonderful littles and caregivers. And the same goes for 'vanilla' people too. Have met horrible people and lovely people and everybody in between. I probably have an opposite experience. The people who have let me down, who have been 'friends' and then dumped me, who have lied or who have just been friends and then - boom, never hear from them again - have largely been 'vanilla' people, nothing to do with this community. That's not to say I've not had disappointment in this community. I've met a few people on these websites and made friends with them and then suddenly, just when I think we're getting on well, they go quiet and I never hear from them again. To be honest, it's made me feel really rubbish about myself and made me feel like there's got to be something wrong with me. Even talking about it now is making me feel depressed! But these weren't all littles, it was a mix of roles from in this community.

Myself, I always considered myself as little. But more recently I have also considered myself a caregiver. I've blathered on about my feelings of who I am in my introduction post and stuff. But anyway. As somebody who identifies as a little, I am a bit upset at potentially being tarred with the same brush as being selfish and a taker. I... I have been on the receiving end of people who are not so nice. And I like to think I would not act that way towards others. I like to think I am loyal, I have never cheated on anybody. I can't imagine ever two timing anybody, it's an awful thing to do. And abandoning people - I've had that done so much to me, again I would never want to do that to somebody else. I'm not the most social and outgoing of people, but when you find somebody who you really get on with, I want to stay in contact with them. I know I'm only talking about myself and my own behaviours and beliefs. However, I have met some lovely people in the cg/l community who I strongly believe are the same and who have become my best friends. Both littles and caregivers. Really lovely people who I can't imagine them doing anything awful like you describe.

It feels to me like you've had a really horrible run of luck. You never get to know what a person is like until you really get to know them. For me, I would probably want to get to know somebody for months before I got involved with them, to get to know them really well first and try and figure out what sort of a person they are. (Me and my ex were friends for a year before we got together.) Unfortunately, the people who are not nice, who are cheaters or who are only after one thing, they are often good actors and can act as though they are nice, honest people. In my opinion, it takes time to figure out who a person really is. And worse, they are often the ones who shout the loudest, who try and get the most attention from potential partners. I've seen people, here and other places, who come on, act all sweet, say they are desperately looking for somebody, so very lonely, please love me. Then they meet somebody. Then.... 48 hours later, are with somebody else. A week later, somebody else. That's an extreme, but I've seen it. Perhaps the sort of person you've met. They say all the right things, say you're the only one for them, say lovely things to you, say they are innocent. But then give them some time, be it 24 hours, 24 weeks or 24 months... and they show their true colours. However. For each person like that, there are more who are decent, kind and honourable.

I think the moral of my ramblings is to try not to lose hope. You've met some asshats. But not all littles are like that. Get to know people, be patient. Don't rush into relationships. Get to know people as friends first. True cg/l relationships do indeed exist. I'm lucky enough to know some and consider them friends. Mentioning no names, they are some of the loveliest people I know.

I'm not sure what else to say. Or rather, I have more to say but they are largely muddled thoughts that I am struggling to tease into being comprehensible. I apologise if the above was a nonsensical rambling. I just wanted to try and a) defend littles. We're people too and come in all shapes and sizes, and just like with regular people there are nice and not so nice ones. And b) wanted to say hang in there. Be patient. And I am so sorry you've had such bad experiences. There are lovely, lovely littles out there. They do exist.

[BabyMax]

I have a father who is a taker while everyone else is a giver. I'm a little and even in my family, i give as well. When your in a relationship, it goes both ways.

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[theminimalist]

I'd say it's a real thing but it's very few and far between. I have been hurt a lot in the last year just pursuing vanilla relationships and am thinking maybe I should try something different, but it's so hard picking up a place to start. I've tried looking online for a playmate or another little to also date and I've been catfished twice. I am willing to try again, it's just going to be difficult.

[LilTommydeac]

Ok, I am going to go on a slight rant here, so bear with me. Every relationship has multiple facets that need satisfying. There is the emotional, physical, mental compatibility. Littles can be a bit more on the selfish side especially when in little space, as we are a needy lot when that is the case. However, even in the most dominant and submissive of relationships both sides have to give, even if it is just being there for the caregiver when they have a stressful day and rub their back and listen to them talk, or if a 24/7 relationship draw some pictures to brighten their day such as drawing them as a superhero beating up the mean bosses and saving the office. What it comes down to is we are all people and need to show those that we care about that we are willing to listen and help however we can. That is the only way we are going to survive this crazy world is by holding those we care about up and trust they will do the same for us.

If you don't have that in a relationship, that most fundamental of building blocks and rush into the more "advanced" topics such as kinks, interests, lifestyles and the like then... that foundation can crumble fairly unexpectedly. If you ever need anyone to reach out to about this (this goes for anyone) feel free to PM me as I am always happy to lend an ear and talk.

[rjw1000]

so can i be that your j ust a bad mom to alll babys and littles? maybe that prolly could be why lol so try better

[PrincessTigerToes]

Oh wow, yikes! Looks like o have had some really cruddy experiences while in the community. Though, I agree with other peoples comments on questioning how long it took for you and said partners to shift from acquaintances to in kink relationships? As a switch, I have had my share of poor experiences with dealing with both Subs and Little Ones but, that was due to my own inexperience in taking the time to fully get to know my previous partners before moving into physically intimate relationships. It also comes down to how you find these partners, are you considering how old they may be? I mean no disrespect to the younger generations but, they can be flighty as they are tying new things and still learning about themselves so they may not take these things as seriously.

As a Little though, this topic can really sting. Little ones, adult babies, Subs and Pets all tend to have a deep seated worry that they are to selfish and or to needy for their Care Giver. Sure, these partners you have been involved with seem really self centered but, most Little's are needy in nature.