[Celina]

So my little recently went and crossed a lot of lines when I refused to show him some hurtful screenshots a friend had warned me about in another online forum he had left as a result of that harassment. He did somethings that were extreme triggers for me that he was aware of in his attempts to get me to share the screenshots with him and it really upset me. Now I do not believe in emotional withdrawal or ignoring a little as a punishment- it seems like most people are littles because of that sort of neglect and it is just not a good idea as I also have that trigger altho I am not a little myself. I did have a collar coming in for him and in addition to writing some lines and special burst denial for a week, I told him he could not open the package with his collar for a week. Does that collar portion seem too extreme to some? I have some second thoughts but this is the first time I am really punishing him and he did pull some extreme emotional abuse and broke rules on his end that we did discuss

[shypricessmermaidgin]

First question- is the collar something he would enjoy (like he wanted a collar), or was it a present to him by you?

[Celina]

It is both. I got it for him as a present and he wanted one

[shypricessmermaidgin]

Then I think your punishment is pretty correct, especially if its his first true punishment, and you discuss about rules before hand. At least that's what my adult self says.

[CosmianAndNovella]

Being a Little is not an excuse for misbehavior.

Some CG/L relationships may include an aspect of purposely boundary-pushing. However, typically this only happens after agreements are made and the fences set to prevent crossing any personal boundaries.

In terms of a punishment, holding off on giving someone a gift (or reward) is a perfectly reasonable punishment, particularly if the Little needs to learn to exercise patience. However, we feel that this incident falls outside the scope of what a punishment should address. This isn’t the case of an innocent child who accidentally stumbled into a mistake and you have to gently show your disapproval, this is an adult who knowingly disrespected you as a partner and neglected your emotional needs as such.

Your Little didn't act like a good partner to you, thus, it should be reasonable to deal with this situation as you would a regular relationship issue. Your feelings are hurt, and you have the right to address your feelings so that you can continue having a happy and healthy relationship without resentments. Their being Little is irrelevant to this situation and shouldn’t at all be a primary concern in working through this as partners. Your feelings as an emotionally hurt partner is the focus.

We feel that you should have a conversation with your Little about being more that just a Little. He is not a biological child, so it would be right to expect maturity about serious subjects. He should always be prioritizing your feelings as a relationship partner no matter how much he feels like a child.

it seems like most people are littles because of that sort of neglect

Although many Littles may cite this as their reason as to why they're a Little, we wholeheartedly believe it isn't much of a factor. Littles are regressors because of their personality that experiences regression at all times or in episodes, and each and every Little is different — just as every human is different, the regressive traits that a Little brings to their relationship differs from pairing to pairing.

We are bringing this up because it is very important to view your Little as more than just a Little. In our opinion, a successful partnership within the community will center around striving to meet the needs of your partner as much as they strive to meet yours. And we're talking about needs you each have as individuals, more than just Caregiver or Little needs.

There is often the general idea that Caregiver personality types are superhuman or godlike. This is a misconception and is wrong. You, as a Caregiver, may feel unhappy feelings towards your Little at times. Relationships are not perfect, and it is only reasonable to believe that there will be hiccups along the road. Otherwise expectations may be unfeasible high and will come in the way of a reasonable and fair relationship.

[Celina]

Yeah thats what I am trying to talk to him about. I think he realized he did a very bad thing and I moved on and accepted when he said he was sorry and going to fix it- I still need the trust I have in him as a partner to be rebuilt but he is scared that I have some sort of hidden resentment or revenge plan (because he is used to such behavior). I was worried that the collar punishment was something contributing to that fear but it also was something I gave him as my partner as a reward for building trust and I felt that I needed a few outside voices about it. I still have been giving him my attention and my love- watching his favorite shows together and conversing with him as well as words of affection.

[Motherly]

...
but he is scared that I have some sort of hidden resentment or revenge plan (because he is used to such behavior). I was worried that the collar punishment was something contributing to that fear but it also was something I gave him as my partner as a reward for building trust and I felt that I needed a few outside voices about it.

He needs to stop turning this around to be about him and his “needs”. He should be remorseful and be working on building you and your relationship together back to a stable, healthy zone. He did wrong. Claiming he’s fearful sounds manipulative as to avoid having to really deal with your, understandable, hurt and his wrongdoings. He should be feeling bad, but he should be making his own efforts to comfort you—not turn it around so that he needs comforted.

A part of learning from mistakes is feeling bad. A part of learning to respect your partner is having that fear that a huge mess up may very well end the relationship—so, it’s important to be mindful of your partner’s feelings. You don’t need to be coddling him for him hurting you. He should be dealing with that fear himself while doing his best to make sure that you are healing.

I still have been giving him my attention and my love- watching his favorite shows together and conversing with him as well as words of affection.

Again, this is not something about him and his emotional needs. This sounds bizarre to have to ignore your own hurt feelings in effort to reassure your partner that the hurt they caused isn’t ending the relationship. He needs a reality check, in my opinion.

Also as a Mommy who generally isn’t “into” punishment or punishment play, delaying a gift by a week is no real punishment, especially for such a seriously hurtful act. That’s a joke.

[Celina]

Yeah, I don't so much struggle to put up boundaries so much as how to deal with enforcing that those boundaries need to be healed when crossed. Thank you. I am trying to find the language to explain this further to him as he did put me into a bad headspace as well and while I don't hold resentments I do fully expect him to have to make up for this on his own by working on respecting my boundaries and helping me by comforting me

[Celina]

...
but he is scared that I have some sort of hidden resentment or revenge plan (because he is used to such behavior). I was worried that the collar punishment was something contributing to that fear but it also was something I gave him as my partner as a reward for building trust and I felt that I needed a few outside voices about it.

He needs to stop turning this around to be about him and his “needs”. He should be remorseful and be working on building you and your relationship together back to a stable, healthy zone. He did wrong. Claiming he’s fearful sounds manipulative as to avoid having to really deal with your, understandable, hurt and his wrongdoings. He should be feeling bad, but he should be making his own efforts to comfort you—not turn it around so that he needs comforted.

A part of learning from mistakes is feeling bad. A part of learning to respect your partner is having that fear that a huge mess up may very well end the relationship—so, it’s important to be mindful of your partner’s feelings. You don’t need to be coddling him for him hurting you. He should be dealing with that fear himself while doing his best to make sure that you are healing.

I still have been giving him my attention and my love- watching his favorite shows together and conversing with him as well as words of affection.

Again, this is not something about him and his emotional needs. This sounds bizarre to have to ignore your own hurt feelings in effort to reassure your partner that the hurt they caused isn’t ending the relationship. He needs a reality check, in my opinion.

Also as a Mommy who generally isn’t “into” punishment or punishment play, delaying a gift by a week is no real punishment, especially for such a seriously hurtful act. That’s a joke.

I just also feel like I already messed up and don't know how to approach telling him that he needs to comfort me not the other way around

[CosmianAndNovella]

I just also feel like I already messed up and don't know how to approach telling him that he needs to comfort me not the other way around

Perhaps this educational article can be of use to you? Caregiver Burnout. Although your issue may not exactly be Caregiver Burnout, that article goes over the needs of a Caregiver that extend past a CG/L dynamic.

A few other supporting articles that may help you:

Know if I'm a Daddy Dom, Mommy Dom, or Caregiver, particularly the Caregivers are Humans portion.

There is often the general idea that Caregiver personality types are superhuman or godlike. This is a misconception and is wrong. Caregivers may have mental illness, learning disorders, physical limitations, and anything else that any other human on the planet may experience. Caregivers may still suffer from depression, anxiety, personal insecurities, or general stress (even from their workplace). Being human doesn't mean someone cannot properly care for someone else.
If you're a little then know that it's very important to get to know your Caregiver so that you know how to help them in return for helping to take care of you.

Ideas to make your Caregiver smile for ways creative ways that he could show love and care.

You have the amazing opportunity as his Caregiver to exercise your right to educate! We encourage you to read through both the Caregiver and Little articles in the Educational Articles section of the forum. Perhaps you can set aside some time so the both of you can read together and discuss thoughts and feelings?