My partner is a little, the new changes are overwhelming, I still don’t understand what’s happening
Posted: |January 6th, 2021|, 4:11 pm
I found out recently that my partner is a 'little'. Admittedly I'm quite ignorant on this as I had no idea what one was until they told me. They introduced me to this site. Honestly though I don't understand the ins and outs of it. I asked them how long they've known and they said three years and I'm hurt that they kept it from me. (And although this is a long story and sort of seperate I'm jealous of how close he is to his close-female best friend who knows him very well and probably knew about this). They said they were scared because they didn't want to be made fun of (I get the impression that they have in the past, and I've never made fun of them
I'm posting because whilst they are pretending to be a baby they want me to do sexual things to them and it makes me very uncomfortable because I don't feel sexual towards babies. I know he isn't really a baby but it still feels very wrong. They got really sad when I told them and I feel like I can't mention it anymore. And he always wants my full attention and although I love him it's exhausting and he keeps me awake at night he's like a real baby and he said he will be really jealous of our baby when we have one
Posted: |January 6th, 2021|, 4:18 pm
I tried to use 'they' to hide his gender for privacy reasons but thats failed and made it seem as if we're in some sort of love triangle im claryfying we're not
Re: My partner is a little and the new changes are overwhelming, I still don’t understand what’s happeni
Posted: |January 6th, 2021|, 4:42 pm
Okay, the reveal of your partner being a little and experiencing regression can be overwhelming if you had no idea. What is even more overwhelming is immediately being placed into a new role, that may not actually be you. Not everyone who is dating a little is actually a caregiver.
It’s a bit unfair to expect you engage sexually with them during their regression. It’s a personal decision you both
make together. It’s even more unfair that you’d be asked that very soon after they’ve revealed this new part about themself to you. A lot of people need time between learning about the community before considering adding in sexual experiences. I’m sorry you’re in this position right now.
What you can do is read through our resources
, taking your time and asking questions along the way. Write questions down you need to discuss with your partner. Make a new forum post for each question along the way when you need community guidance. That is a better starting point than jumping into immediately being your partner’s caregiver, which clearly comes with some heavy expectations.
Just so that you’re aware, Littles do not require caregivers to be fulfilled. You don’t have
to do this if it just isn’t you. Your partner will not truly suffer if they have no designated caregiver. Littles are littles because it’s who they are by personality, and, just the same, caregivers are caregivers because it’s who they are by personality.
You also will have to ask your partner to meet you intellectually on this to talk it through more thoroughly, probably many of times. It’s important to know what regression means to them
, and to work together as a team to find the balance where you’re both happy. For example, regression is not always sexual, and for many it is entirely separate from sexual desires and acts. It’s important to talk about these things so you know what this all means for your partner.
It’s okay to tell your partner that things are going too fast and that you need to talk about this more. It’s okay to tell them that you don’t quite understand just yet and you need more time to process it as well as figure out if you’re a caregiver type. Just as anything in a relationship, you can ask to take a slower pace and to learn together, not separately, so that you can bring up concerns and misunderstandings as you learn.
It’s also okay to ask that things like sexual experiences be held off while you’re finding your place in this regression stuff. It doesn’t have to be a black or white response to sexual acts—or any other point you find yourself uneasy about in the moment. You can say that for now you’d like to hold off on those things and as you learn more you’d like to talk them through and reconsider. It’s okay to need to take things lightly for awhile and revisit these concepts after you feel you understand more about what’s happening and what’s actually expected of you.
In terms of eventually having a baby together and your partner saying they’ll be jealous—that should be something you two discuss very thoroughly. If you’re wanting biological children of your own one day and they are firmly not then you may need to reevaluate your relationship compatibility. Sometimes that is just something you can’t compromise on, and it’s extremely reasonable to make a relationship choice on such an important point. You only live once and can’t expect to happily miss out on parenthood using an adult as an entirely fulfilling replacement. Perhaps your partner only said that in the heat of the moment in hopes of pressuring you to take their regression very seriously, but it’s something that you can’t just sweep under the rug and hope didn’t mean anything.
So, ask your partner to meet you, to help you, and to be patient with you. They are many more steps ahead of you and will need to understand that their advantage of knowing this about themself gives you an unfair disadvantage. If you’re not comfortable with something, like being kept up at night, then your partner needs to understand and respect you. You just can’t go from 0 to 100 without struggling or having a few problems. Talk it through. Communication can help tremendously!
Re: My partner is a little, the new changes are overwhelming, I still don’t understand what’s happening
Posted: |January 10th, 2021|, 3:49 pm
I signed up at LittleSpace specifically to reply to this post. I wholeheartedly agree with Admin's reply. I also wish to contribute from my own experience as abdl who has a significant other who does not share, or particularly understand, my interest in being a baby. I hope some of what is shared here can be applicable and helpful for you and your partner.
But before I get into all that, I would just like to commend your vulnerability, sharing your real-life situation, and also your courage in reaching out to this community. It is not easy to approach this subject as it has the potential for being misunderstood or, at worst, conflated with child involvement, the pathological mental illness involving the predatory sexual pursuit of children. I just want to acknowledge this potiential misconception, and reaffirm what has likely been stated elsewhere: paraphilic infantilism is not child involvement. And while, for some, the experience of being a little might overlap with sexuality, it is hardly universal nor constant, and at the end of the day we are consenting adults, interested in other consenting adults. For me, at least, beneath the need to engage in regressive fantasies, there are real needs that are difficult for me to meet otherwise. These often include: the need for security, to be nurtured, for emotional intimacy, to cope with difficult life transition, etc.
My partner and I have been together for almost 10 years, married for 7. We have a wonderful 4yo daughter, who is the light of my world. And while we've had our share of ups and downs, I can confidently say we are happily married. I relate to your partner's comment that having children would be problematic. I didn't want children either, but surprises do happen, and we decided to see it through. This marks one of the most difficult points in our relationship, when I was overwhelmed by my regressive fantasies. But there were lots of other notable items that ran along side. I had just started a competitive graduate program, my wife had just transitioned between jobs, and we were about to have our daughter. Suddenly, everything I thought was secure, was coming unraveled and I just couldn't maintain my composure.
Backtrack: I opened up to my future wife about one year into dating. She was accepting, but I came to later understand, that this acceptance did not equate understanding. To be fair, I didn't really understand the edges of my desires either, and loathed the babyish part of myself. I did everything I could to suppress this part of myself, hoping it would just go away. Big surprise: It erupted into a relational miasma, and became impossible to contain. The shame was circular. I felt like a failure that I couldn't be the man my partner needed, which led me to delve deeper into dissociative behavior, which led me to feel like more of a failure. My wife, no fault of her own, was no help here at all. Very reasonably, she simply needed a functional man as her partner to feel secure. I often misconstrued the sentiment as shaming. I don't hold it against her in retrospect; I was very fortunate to have such a strong and patient partner.
We would try to have these conversations about my desires (And I would be rock hard the entire time). I would say a lot of things, (wanting to be diapered in public, be feminized, for her to be a mother figure to me, to be locked in a crib, fed babyfood, forced to wear only baby clothes and diapers at home) but at the end of the day just saying these things out loud was extremely helpful, and did not actually need to be fulfilled by her. We did try a lot of things out but we ultimately discovered that there just wasn't the overlap in interest. Ultimately, our sexual life matured to where it could be mutually fulfilling even w/o the diapers. But it was a difficult transition for me to get there. To do so, I had to have permission in our relationship to explore my adult interest on my own. Beyond lots of therapy, this meant going to bed diapered, every night, for an indeterminate amount of time but ultimately this lasted about a year. On occasion, my wife would do it for me, but I grew not to expect anything from her. It was hard for me to be diapered in front of her. I wanted to be her man, not abject. But it helped ultimately, and we became closer through it. On my own I would listen to hypnosis, which helped me in accepting this part of myself. I still listen to abdl hypnosis. I suppose I compare it to your partner's playdates. I would've likely pursued that route, but it was a hard stop for my wife that I wished to honor.
I remember distinctly, one night, as we were getting into the mood, I was already all baby'd up for the night, and we both just started to laugh out loud "You're such a ridiculous person!" she declared. Being an adult baby, it turns out, wasn't such a big deal after all. Thereafter, it sort of just lost its power. Occasionally, My wife will come home to a papered husband, but it's not something I need as often. And when it does happen, it's not as fraught.
I have had an interest in performing as a baby for as long as I can remember. And even after years of therapy, and deep inquiry into my origins, I still can not explain "Why" I am the way that I am. But I have learned to accept myself and not hide so much from my partner. With this acceptance, my fantasies no longer have the power over me they once had, and they no longer control my relationships.
I'm not sure what you or anyone may glean from my story, but I only wish to be encouraging. The fact that your partner has opened up to you, might be an invitation and mark of trust, but every relationship is very different. Sexuality is very hard to pin down as it is not static. I sometimes miss the power of my fantasies, but when I revist them, it's like a shell of what it used to be, an old good friend that I can visit, then get back to my family, energized and happy to do so.