[KarmaChameleonKat]

Hello lovelies,

This is going to be long and although I’m new here it seemed to fit this category better than the newbie one. I apologise in advance for this being very long and depressing! Please don't hate me too much for my shortcomings mentioned near the end.

My main questions are:
How do you stay positive, don’t fall apart and stay in a good routine when your partner can’t give you what you need (or if you’re single)?
Do you use any online tools or are friends from the community helping you out, do you make your own schedule/ how do you make it work?
How do you fight an addiction on your own?

You might need to know a little bit or a lot about me and my situation and also how stuck I am at the moment.

I’m a 30yo assigned female although I’m not sure I identify with that at all times, I’m pansexual, married to a man, have almost 3 children and from what I’ve read here I’m probably a middle. My husband is a caregiver only by profession, NOT in our relationship. It wasn't something I knew I needed until it was very obvious that I didn't get the 'simple' things.

It’s interesting that I’ve never thought there’s a name to the things I do or the needs I have, maybe because it’s quite subtle, maybe not even a huge part of me and no one besides my husband has ever criticised me for it and for my relationship needs I thought I’m just high maintenance.

My relationship needs:
I need touch, hugs, intimacy (to some extent), praise, appreciation, being pushed a little to be better, to get me out of my comfort zone and help to discover new things, talking through things when I’m upset, being told stories(books they’ve read, past events etc), being fun and serious with me, help me see when I need to look at my own well-being, just to name a few.

My main need is touch for reassurance, if I’m not getting it I feel imbalanced and irritated. I have tried all kind of approaches to get hugs from my husband, talking and begging and even explained to my husband that 8 daily hugs are needed for maintenance and 12 for growth, however hugs and almost all kind of touch is only happening when I initiate it (he’s managing fine with our 3yo). It makes me feel unloved and like I’m taking something he doesn’t need when I’m the one coming to him- I don’t have a problem if it’s a give and take situation, but it’s purely one sided. He says he doesn’t need hugs and cuddling and only enjoys that in bed, which is sometimes impossible if it’s too warm or if he smells too much of wine. It’s also affecting me that he’s very rarely complimenting me on looks or hardly ever praises me for anything I do. He only tells me the things he doesn’t like. If I ask him if he likes how I look or if he loves me, he says “of course I do, you know that otherwise I wouldn’t be with you”. Last time he actually told me he loves me(once this year), I couldn’t reply. If I ask him if he likes the food I made, he tells me if he doesn’t say he dislikes it, it means he likes it. I love cooking and baking, but it’s taking a toll on me that it’s not appreciated.
As you can imagine, I’m very much into the praise part, it makes me happy and I love to do nice things that make people smile, it doesn’t even have to be over the top as long as it’s a “can you (please) do this?” rather than “do this now!” or just a comment of how nice something I did for them. This is also not something one sided for me, I love telling my partner how great they are, but since I don’t like to lie it hasn’t happened much lately.
I need a positive energy like that around me in order to be better with everyone myself and yes I have tried to work my magic and made all the good come from me, yet it doesn’t come back. My creativity is dead now. I used to paint a lot before we got together again.

It’s not that I think my husbands feelings for me aren’t genuine, he just has a very different way of showing them, he’s helping in the house (hoovering and tidying), he lets me buy things I want, but often makes me feel bad about it. He talks me through some things I’m stressed about and when we find something to talk about we can have good conversations, he can even be fun instead of sarcastic. He wants to be with me, despite my past in between our relationship.
Unfortunately we really don't have much in common, a lot of the things he likes aren't interesting to me and vice versa.
There are still things I love about him, when he does cuddle me or does any of the other things I crave its great and I still find his looks attractive and like to hear what he has to say, even if its boring website stuff, maybe its his voice..

However I’m really disappointed in myself that I got into a situation like this and didn’t notice that this is how things really are. Maybe it was the long distance relationship before moving together that kept the honeymoon phase up for that long for me not to see? We met almost 15 years ago, but were separated for 6 years after he cheated and fell for someone else, We fell for each other again, moved together nearly 5 years ago after 1.5 years of long distance, I moved from Germany to the UK.
After about a year I noticed that intimacy didn’t happen if I didn’t start things, again not a problem as long if it’s not always like that. I probably should have rethought my situation then, but I also had and have no intention of moving back to my birth country and I wasn't in a position to go anywhere. Plus I had our then 9yo (now 13) to think about. Some of the lack of intimacy I put down to my husband being overworked, which was likely the case, but I didn’t know of his stance on hugs/cuddles and it’s honestly nothing I’d have thought of asking about and I didn’t think of it until it was obvious. Having more children probably wasn’t the best idea..
Intimacy became difficult because of the lack of touching and kissing, my self confidence got smaller, he’s only touching some body parts and seems to be more in need of a forceful partner which isn’t really me. I tested to see how long he’ll go without and let my husband initiate from then on, which probably made things worse because of how he did it. He basically told me he needed to get off and that’s what happens- straight to the point. Unfortunately he makes me feel very insecure by criticising that I giggle. It’s not always like that and I think it’s due to being nervous or to not being used to be touched, but he stopped doing some of the things I like because of it and told me off about giggling. I don’t even think it would happen if there was more physical contact and touch in our relationship. Anyway the way he feels about the giggling makes it almost impossible for me to try anything and makes it even harder to relax and get into things, meaning there’s nothing in it for me, it’s just for him. I don’t even mind that it’s not for me, because it can be difficult for me to have an special burst, but I’d like that at least sometimes or feeling that he’s trying.

Things have gotten harder since we moved country within the UK again and I lost the few friends I had just made. Unfortunately with all the issues going on and after half a year of my husband trying to be more there for me, I fell for another man just before we moved, he treated me really well, was a really got guy, who felt really bad (couldn't physically go though) the one time we cheated. I'm still ashamed that it happened and although my husband knows about the cheating part, I couldn't bring myself to tell him who or the part my heart was in it too.
My husband still wanted to be with me after my confession. I wanted to leave, but had nowhere to go. We lived separated in the same household for half a year until we tried again. At the beginning it was all a bit better, but now its just like it was before it really went downhill.

As for the addiction, I'm horribly addicted to romance stories (m/m) on kindle which is affecting my relationship with my toddler. Every day I wake up trying to tell myself when I can and can't read, because logically I know and most days I fail. I know its my way of escaping my sad reality, because I can get lost in books, but I want a better life! I'm just not very flexible in things I can do, because I'm due with my 3rd in a few days. My days have some structure, like meal times, nap time for my son (where I should nap as well instead of reading) and I'm trying to go out for a daily walk. Most days I either bake or cook something which shortens my screen time.

Sorry about the rambling, thank you for reading all my mess, surely there's more of it, but I'm already feeling a bit better

[Motherly]

Do you see a therapist? This sounds like a lot of good points to discuss in therapy. If your therapist isn’t clearly helping you to move in a positive direction to resolve some of these concerns then it’s time to change providers.

Have you sought marriage counseling for your relationship issues? Again, what you’re describing here could truly be helped in shared therapy sessions. It sounds like you may have different ways of communicating and could use some assistance in developing a shared communication language. I understand you’ve done your best to make your needs very clear to your husband but it sounds like there is not only a potential lack of understanding still happening but the inability to appropriately communicate back in a way that acknowledges his efforts to fulfill those needs.

After all, if you’ve clearly told a committed partner, “I need a hug every single day to be okay,” and they’re still not fulfilling that need for you then it’s very possible that they think they are or still somehow misunderstand what they’re suppose to do. Just like he says, of course he feels a certain way about you or he wouldn’t continue to be committed to you. While that may not be how you or I entirely communicate how we love someone it may be a large point for him that means more in his eyes than it does in yours. Perhaps he misunderstands and believes his presence in the marriage is equivalent to touch or is a deeply intimate act in itself.

A lot has happened. There are reasons for having cheated, reasons for your partner not fulfilling your requests, reasons for feeling a need for touch above other love languages, and reasons for other points you’ve made. Just because forgiveness has happened doesn’t mean reasons related to an offense are no longer occurring. Just because you’ve made things work in the past by overlooking reasons to be unhappy doesn’t mean those reasons disappear. Just because someone has reasons for doing something the way they do doesn’t mean your reasons for wanting something different change. You need to uncover and face some reasons here that you’re probably trying to ignore. The both of you do.

I think a large amount of your issues you’ve presented here are unrelated to regression/being a Little or Middle and more toward needing direction by a mental health specialist, both individual as well as a couple. I feel like it’s very possible that you’re using these identities as excuses to hide from having to mentally unpack all of your issues you’re facing, and have faced, with someone who is licensed. It sounds like it’s time to stop hiding and find real, true help for your mental health and your very valid concerns in your marriage. Some things you just need an expert to help. You are worth the effort of seeking therapy both with and without your husband. Your mental health, personal fulfillment, and marital success matter.

[KarmaChameleonKat]

Dear Admin,

Thank you so much for your reply!
I think you’re right about seeing a therapist alone and as a couple, I’m not seeing anyone at the moment but have been in the past before I moved to the UK. It’s good to have someone look at it from the outside, because I’ve thought about seeing someone before, but not this time. So thank you for thinking of that. Hopefully I’ll find someone.

Yes, the hug thing is a big issue because we talked about it and he’s been clearly telling me that he doesn’t feel the need and it won’t feel genuine (because it’s not) if he had to do it all the time, same goes for compliments. Maybe there’s some hope, because after mentioning the lack of hugs again yesterday, he came up with the idea that it’s a good way to get me out of bed in the morning if he’s offering me a morning hug, so just 7 more hugs to go!

In regards to the hiding, yes I definitely need to face my fears which includes communication and so does my husband, because I know there are questions he doesn’t dare to ask. I don’t think I’m hiding behind an identify as this here is the first time I’ve talked about it. I’m still considering if I’m just me being that way or if it’s actually a regression towards middle or potentially little happening or not. Whatever it is I’m fine with it, it’d just be interesting if it’s got a name.

Have a lovely day:)