- 1 month ago
I signed up at LittleSpace specifically to reply to this post. I wholeheartedly agree with Admin's reply. I also wish to contribute from my own experience as abdl who has a significant other who does not share, or particularly understand, my interest in being a baby. I hope some of what is shared here can be applicable and helpful for you and your partner.
But before I get into all that, I would just like to commend your vulnerability, sharing your real-life situation, and also your courage in reaching out to this community. It is not easy to approach this subject as it has the potential for being misunderstood or, at worst, conflated with child involvement, the pathological mental illness involving the predatory sexual pursuit of children. I just want to acknowledge this potiential misconception, and reaffirm what has likely been stated elsewhere: paraphilic infantilism is not child involvement. And while, for some, the experience of being a little might overlap with sexuality, it is hardly universal nor constant, and at the end of the day we are consenting adults, interested in other consenting adults. For me, at least, beneath the need to engage in regressive fantasies, there are real needs that are difficult for me to meet otherwise. These often include: the need for security, to be nurtured, for emotional intimacy, to cope with difficult life transition, etc.
My partner and I have been together for almost 10 years, married for 7. We have a wonderful 4yo daughter, who is the light of my world. And while we've had our share of ups and downs, I can confidently say we are happily married. I relate to your partner's comment that having children would be problematic. I didn't want children either, but surprises do happen, and we decided to see it through. This marks one of the most difficult points in our relationship, when I was overwhelmed by my regressive fantasies. But there were lots of other notable items that ran along side. I had just started a competitive graduate program, my wife had just transitioned between jobs, and we were about to have our daughter. Suddenly, everything I thought was secure, was coming unraveled and I just couldn't maintain my composure.
Backtrack: I opened up to my future wife about one year into dating. She was accepting, but I came to later understand, that this acceptance did not equate understanding. To be fair, I didn't really understand the edges of my desires either, and loathed the babyish part of myself. I did everything I could to suppress this part of myself, hoping it would just go away. Big surprise: It erupted into a relational miasma, and became impossible to contain. The shame was circular. I felt like a failure that I couldn't be the man my partner needed, which led me to delve deeper into dissociative behavior, which led me to feel like more of a failure. My wife, no fault of her own, was no help here at all. Very reasonably, she simply needed a functional man as her partner to feel secure. I often misconstrued the sentiment as shaming. I don't hold it against her in retrospect; I was very fortunate to have such a strong and patient partner.
We would try to have these conversations about my desires (And I would be rock hard the entire time). I would say a lot of things, (wanting to be diapered in public, be feminized, for her to be a mother figure to me, to be locked in a crib, fed babyfood, forced to wear only baby clothes and diapers at home) but at the end of the day just saying these things out loud was extremely helpful, and did not actually need to be fulfilled by her. We did try a lot of things out but we ultimately discovered that there just wasn't the overlap in interest. Ultimately, our sexual life matured to where it could be mutually fulfilling even w/o the diapers. But it was a difficult transition for me to get there. To do so, I had to have permission in our relationship to explore my adult interest on my own. Beyond lots of therapy, this meant going to bed diapered, every night, for an indeterminate amount of time but ultimately this lasted about a year. On occasion, my wife would do it for me, but I grew not to expect anything from her. It was hard for me to be diapered in front of her. I wanted to be her man, not abject. But it helped ultimately, and we became closer through it. On my own I would listen to hypnosis, which helped me in accepting this part of myself. I still listen to abdl hypnosis. I suppose I compare it to your partner's playdates. I would've likely pursued that route, but it was a hard stop for my wife that I wished to honor.
I remember distinctly, one night, as we were getting into the mood, I was already all baby'd up for the night, and we both just started to laugh out loud "You're such a ridiculous person!" she declared. Being an adult baby, it turns out, wasn't such a big deal after all. Thereafter, it sort of just lost its power. Occasionally, My wife will come home to a papered husband, but it's not something I need as often. And when it does happen, it's not as fraught.
I have had an interest in performing as a baby for as long as I can remember. And even after years of therapy, and deep inquiry into my origins, I still can not explain "Why" I am the way that I am. But I have learned to accept myself and not hide so much from my partner. With this acceptance, my fantasies no longer have the power over me they once had, and they no longer control my relationships.
I'm not sure what you or anyone may glean from my story, but I only wish to be encouraging. The fact that your partner has opened up to you, might be an invitation and mark of trust, but every relationship is very different. Sexuality is very hard to pin down as it is not static. I sometimes miss the power of my fantasies, but when I revist them, it's like a shell of what it used to be, an old good friend that I can visit, then get back to my family, energized and happy to do so.