- 4 years ago
#53629
Something happened to me when I was about ten years old and I thought it didn't matter, until I started having all sorts of mental problems and nowhere to connect them to. Probably should have known better since I had my first suicidal thought then because it turns out I was wrong, as it's now affecting me. Due to what happened, I ended up afraid of men or shying away from them for years, although I didn't know I was doing it at first. Then all the males I met after didn't exactly give me any faith in their 'species', as I called them then, although I went to an all girls catholic school so bare in mind I didn't meet many of them. Just enough to stay even further away. At one point, I decided that if I ever had kids, it'd be through IVF, artificial insemination or adoption because it probably never find someone. This is perhaps the base of my issues but I wouldn't know as I haven't tried therapy yet.
Currently, I suffer from moderate to major depression, or a recent term I picked up, atypical depression. I had it for a bit over two years, one and a half of which was spent recouperating in the country and hoping to feel better and no longer suicidal because that's what I was. After which I spent another half a year there with my family before getting a job. I thought I was better but then I realised that I ended up with anxiety after overcoming my depression. I should have noticed in that half a year, when I ended up in a corner or curled up in a ball a few times and but I didn't because it wasn't so bad at first.
While working, I was okay for a while. Then I started talking to a guy, not Da, and my parents were angry with me for not letting anyone know where I was when I was going places with him. Worried as they were, I suffered my first severe anxiety attack that day and started blocking out the world and ended up regressing on the spot. I didn't remember much besides mild disorientation in my regresssed state but when I was out of my headspace, that's when I realised that what happened wasn't normal and that I have had them before, just not as bad. I'm still not sure if the shock of what happened was the cause for what was a series of random anxiety attacks, bordering on panic attacks, I had in the month to come. All of that got better somewhat, almost gone really, when I started dating Da.
I was okay once again, or as okay as I could be with so many issues. Until I had to move away from Da to go back to school. At first, I thought that it was because I was now living on my own, and sure that could have had something to do with it, but that didn't sound quite right. I thought it was because I was going back to school after so long, but that wasn't quite right either since I was looking forward to going back to school again. Then recently, I realised. With that anxiety attack, my depression came back, I just didn't notice because Da came into my life not long after and I thought I was okay because he made everything better when I was with him. Everything was still there, and without Da to help me feel better, I couldn't even regress properly most times. I didn't want to leave the house for any reason, not even class. My course, I wasn't completely happy with it to begin with but I felt even less motivation and perhaps I'll even be dropping it by the end of the year, who knows?
I spent and still spend most of my life indoor and if I don't have to leave the house, I won't. Now, I would if it's with Da or my family sometimes. And I'm almost certain that I have bipolar disorder or something similar but I'm not entirely sure because I don't know about being irritabe in my hyper state. At least, not that I'm aware of because I always try to be nice.
I'm really not sure what to do. I don't feel up to going to school. In fact, I'd prefer to work and go back to school next year. I don't really want to do that course, not right now and my mentality isn't the best to be learning nursing right now. I wonder if would still be able to take the exam if my issues were known and how much they affect me. I would have been better with Da though.
I just wanted to rant for a bit while sharing a bit of my story, but if anyone has any advice, it'd be most appreciated.
Currently, I suffer from moderate to major depression, or a recent term I picked up, atypical depression. I had it for a bit over two years, one and a half of which was spent recouperating in the country and hoping to feel better and no longer suicidal because that's what I was. After which I spent another half a year there with my family before getting a job. I thought I was better but then I realised that I ended up with anxiety after overcoming my depression. I should have noticed in that half a year, when I ended up in a corner or curled up in a ball a few times and but I didn't because it wasn't so bad at first.
While working, I was okay for a while. Then I started talking to a guy, not Da, and my parents were angry with me for not letting anyone know where I was when I was going places with him. Worried as they were, I suffered my first severe anxiety attack that day and started blocking out the world and ended up regressing on the spot. I didn't remember much besides mild disorientation in my regresssed state but when I was out of my headspace, that's when I realised that what happened wasn't normal and that I have had them before, just not as bad. I'm still not sure if the shock of what happened was the cause for what was a series of random anxiety attacks, bordering on panic attacks, I had in the month to come. All of that got better somewhat, almost gone really, when I started dating Da.
I was okay once again, or as okay as I could be with so many issues. Until I had to move away from Da to go back to school. At first, I thought that it was because I was now living on my own, and sure that could have had something to do with it, but that didn't sound quite right. I thought it was because I was going back to school after so long, but that wasn't quite right either since I was looking forward to going back to school again. Then recently, I realised. With that anxiety attack, my depression came back, I just didn't notice because Da came into my life not long after and I thought I was okay because he made everything better when I was with him. Everything was still there, and without Da to help me feel better, I couldn't even regress properly most times. I didn't want to leave the house for any reason, not even class. My course, I wasn't completely happy with it to begin with but I felt even less motivation and perhaps I'll even be dropping it by the end of the year, who knows?
I spent and still spend most of my life indoor and if I don't have to leave the house, I won't. Now, I would if it's with Da or my family sometimes. And I'm almost certain that I have bipolar disorder or something similar but I'm not entirely sure because I don't know about being irritabe in my hyper state. At least, not that I'm aware of because I always try to be nice.
I'm really not sure what to do. I don't feel up to going to school. In fact, I'd prefer to work and go back to school next year. I don't really want to do that course, not right now and my mentality isn't the best to be learning nursing right now. I wonder if would still be able to take the exam if my issues were known and how much they affect me. I would have been better with Da though.
I just wanted to rant for a bit while sharing a bit of my story, but if anyone has any advice, it'd be most appreciated.
LITTLE MOOD
Do you wuv hugs as mwuch as I do?
Do you wuv hugs as mwuch as I do?