First off, I just want to say that having, or not having, a relationship does not define you as a person. Relationships do not indicate your value as a person. Healthy relationships take a long time to build up to finding, creating, and maintaining too so it's important to try to keep yourself in a healthy situation and mindset while you wait for those relationships to flourish out and evolve.
Just the same, a good therapist is hard to find. Sometimes they are
very hard to find. The good news is that the
do exist though! If the first 5 didn't seem to help then there is no reason to give up with seeking the right person to help you. You haven't gone through
all of the therapists yet. You haven't tried
all of the medication, I'm sure. You may have not even discussed
all of your troubles yet!
I am sure that plenty of people understand where you are coming from and have felt a sense of not belonging before as well. Littlespace Online was not intended to become a suicide remediation area and, because of that, the general population of the site is not well-versed with these subjects when it comes to comforting and encouraging others to seek more positive lights.
I can assure that nobody here wants you to harm yourself or to die. We are just not intended to be a suicide resource, as I've said, so it's difficult for many users to provide you positive light and feedback that may help your situation. We struggle too.
I, as well as others in our lovely community, strongly encourage you to reach out to a very reliable, caring, and compassionate hotline to help you talk through these issues as immediately as you can. The numbers on our hotline list were gathered together because they are discreet and very respectful with things you may choose to reveal about yourself when reaching out:
http://littlespaceonline.com/viewtopic.php?f=25&t=7060
I wish you well and hope that you get the help you need to help you overcome this personal battle.