- 1 year ago
#59046
To start sorry if this is hard to read or anything.
I used to think that I was a "broken Little" this was back when I was 16 and had found out about ddlg through a new group of friends. I didn't know what to really search about then, and everything that would come up seemed like a fix-all pipe dream that I could never achieve, It would be all pretty pink and pastels, small girls with these magical daddies. I would cry a lot back then and felt like I was the wrong skin color and height based on the things I saw or read and even the preferences of some people I talked to. I was in basically every community before I just decided to not be in one, but it was years before I found other people who are also not in communities or had a similar experience as me in some terms. I remember even being against caregivers/doms because it seemed like they were only in it for control, power, and sex and didn't care about all the other parts these types of relationships typically or can require.
At one point being little was an aesthetic that I didn't fit or belong to and id just grown to hate this part of myself and think that my life was better before i knew about it, in some instances i still think that's some level of truth. I am older now however and found the right places to do research and understand my own littles more and the best ways to be myself in this state.
I however recently learned that I have no appreciation for things, to put this, I have an appreciation for other people and the things i receive from them to an extent but I'm so busy focusing on things that i have yet to achieve: always thinking about the future to a point that i forget about the present but not in a serious way (and if i can't see the outcome i become agitated and frustrated ): recently I have discovered that this action and response is due to trauma. I used to force myself to try and fit the stereotypical little (which is not a bad thing, being a stereotypical little) to the point that i was making myself mentally and emotionally unable and in a kind of dream state, Forcing myself to be a little completely under to female gender even though it caused me so much dislike of myself (for reference I am non-binary and have never related to my binary gender), even forcing myself to like coloring (I have an odd relationship with it) to the point of serious mental exhaustion.
I even play the perfect little role in cases while attempting to think of what actually children or babies would do (I don’t know why this is something I tend to think of because I never actually change my actions of try to coping those actions to that of a Childs or baby but it's something that crosses my mind, this, however, could be tied into other things where I typically am just studying or observing actions but not in a way to copy them?) it's not, however, a role I play often and I believe even less to never lately however im uncertain.
Im just curious if other people have similar or any experiences, not really looking for a fix or advice but if you feel it's necessary you're free to comment.
I used to think that I was a "broken Little" this was back when I was 16 and had found out about ddlg through a new group of friends. I didn't know what to really search about then, and everything that would come up seemed like a fix-all pipe dream that I could never achieve, It would be all pretty pink and pastels, small girls with these magical daddies. I would cry a lot back then and felt like I was the wrong skin color and height based on the things I saw or read and even the preferences of some people I talked to. I was in basically every community before I just decided to not be in one, but it was years before I found other people who are also not in communities or had a similar experience as me in some terms. I remember even being against caregivers/doms because it seemed like they were only in it for control, power, and sex and didn't care about all the other parts these types of relationships typically or can require.
At one point being little was an aesthetic that I didn't fit or belong to and id just grown to hate this part of myself and think that my life was better before i knew about it, in some instances i still think that's some level of truth. I am older now however and found the right places to do research and understand my own littles more and the best ways to be myself in this state.
I however recently learned that I have no appreciation for things, to put this, I have an appreciation for other people and the things i receive from them to an extent but I'm so busy focusing on things that i have yet to achieve: always thinking about the future to a point that i forget about the present but not in a serious way (and if i can't see the outcome i become agitated and frustrated ): recently I have discovered that this action and response is due to trauma. I used to force myself to try and fit the stereotypical little (which is not a bad thing, being a stereotypical little) to the point that i was making myself mentally and emotionally unable and in a kind of dream state, Forcing myself to be a little completely under to female gender even though it caused me so much dislike of myself (for reference I am non-binary and have never related to my binary gender), even forcing myself to like coloring (I have an odd relationship with it) to the point of serious mental exhaustion.
I even play the perfect little role in cases while attempting to think of what actually children or babies would do (I don’t know why this is something I tend to think of because I never actually change my actions of try to coping those actions to that of a Childs or baby but it's something that crosses my mind, this, however, could be tied into other things where I typically am just studying or observing actions but not in a way to copy them?) it's not, however, a role I play often and I believe even less to never lately however im uncertain.
Im just curious if other people have similar or any experiences, not really looking for a fix or advice but if you feel it's necessary you're free to comment.